:Saturday, September 30, 2006:
Every friday and saturday night,
just before midnight, Benji becomes
SUPER HAMTARO BOY.
Benji
| Stripped and Lusted 12:24 AM|
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:Thursday, September 28, 2006:
My heart sank. Each time you appearred, I'll be so
happy just to see you. After that few sentences
you spoke to me about, I wanted to stab myself
in the heart and wished I never knew you. The
words you used hurt the hell out of me.
In every single misunderstanding, you had to be
the one that was right although you were wrong.
You had to have the last say in everything. You
always have something else to say. Everything I've
been doing and saying isn't of much use anymore.
Everything people read this shit on my blog,
they always ask whether I'm okay, how am I
feeling. Whenever they call, the first thing they
say is whether I am okay. And I'll always say I am.
But why? why keep the hurt and ugliness within.
I fucking lied to myself and worst of all, I fucking
lied to all my friends. Why? Its because I'm
not okay.
Benji
| Stripped and Lusted 8:35 PM|
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:Wednesday, September 27, 2006:
The night keeps getting darker. I look out my
window to the empty road which the lampost
brightens the ground. I imagine myself sitting
alone there, looking into the starless night. I'll
be gone. Its only a few years away. But is that
what I really want? If I'm gone, and all problems
and worries with everyone will come to an end,
I'll take that move, and run far far away.
Benji
| Stripped and Lusted 10:18 PM|
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:Tuesday, September 26, 2006:
Meeting the class tonight. The same peeps.
Just trying to sort things out getting things out
of my head. I feel like sleeping. Cause when I
sleep, I don't think. Then I dont wanna wake
up forever.
Benji
| Stripped and Lusted 3:38 PM|
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:Monday, September 25, 2006:
I kept my promises and I hope it will never change, but
I'm afraid of the future, and I'm afraid that I'll change.
For the better or for worst, I don't know. I colored myself
out of the picture and I deformed myself. I want to run
away from everything thats causing us harm. I risk my
everything just to show how I felt.
Yet I cannot expose the answer to that problem that has
been burning to come out of me. I can't risk it and I can't
afford another breakdown. I can't go on living in a
memory of your soul. I can't go on doing the things that
I have been doing. After all, there will be no purpose
already. I don't know whether you will get the picture
but I'm tired.
My blog title was once,
The boy whom the world couldn't stop. But I think I'm
wrong about that. I need to be loved again.
Benji
| Stripped and Lusted 11:04 AM|
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:Sunday, September 24, 2006:
Yesterday night was too much chaos. And now I sorta
regretted going down. For all the things that happened,
I'm done with being there for some of them. There are
people which I cannot be bothered with already. Why
bother about people when everything just goes unnoticed?
There will be people in my life that I will still care about.
And that few will not change. No matter how bad times
are, at least there will be them around.
Yesterday night was too much for me to handle. And
when I reached home, I broke down in tears and finally,
i slept. Erase all these painful scars and leave me alone.
Benji
| Stripped and Lusted 4:00 PM|
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:Friday, September 22, 2006:
I can't wait for alot of things to happen.
For example,
I can't wait to change my cellphone.
I can't wait to club tomorrow.
I can't wait to play mahjong.
I can't wait to go home.
I can't wait for school to end.
I can't wait for max to finish his exams.
I can't wait for the group to meet up again.
I can't wait for my new house warming.
I can't wait for jovan and wei hao to get out of ns.
I can't wait to settle problems with that slut.
AMEN.
Benji
| Stripped and Lusted 1:41 PM|
|
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:Thursday, September 21, 2006:
Now its time to take a break and run away from everything
that I have come to fear. I dare not face my obstacles now.
I'm afraid I'll just shatter under the pressure of those weights
on my shoulders. With the conplications going through everyone's
minds. The problems that we all have to solve an go through
in our lives. The acceptances and love we have to give, not
forgetting the rejections.
I do believe in fairytales. Many things didn't work out in my
life. I've seen many fairytales start but end with the evil witch
placing a curse to every single prince in that story. Having to
play and be played. But the question still remains, when will
my fairytale start? To hell with that evil witch.
Coming back to the topic and masks. I've seen many masks
that has fallen off. The ugliness within has been reveal and it's
horrid. The sadness and pain that shows right through the faces.
But people are so consumed by that outer fakeness that they're
living the life of someone else and not theirs. I pity them.
But to those who fell because of the sadness they had endured,
it shows the weakness within. But I don't blame them. Afterall,
we're all humans. Suffering from emotional pressure everyday.
Benji
| Stripped and Lusted 12:23 PM|
|
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:Sunday, September 17, 2006:
Life is boring without the internet. Ever since i've started
working and staying at home. I've missed out alot. I've
been going through blogs while at work and realized
how much I have missed. Well, the best part is that I didn't
even receive an sms from any of them ask whether chilling
was alright. So next time, why should I even bother asking
them? ponders.
Ever since my internet became the hell of my life,
many things has happened and I've not been informed.
Then people come tell me that I'm slow and that my infos
are the past years. In the first place, why bother telling me
all these. Enough of contridictions. I've had enough.
If you wanna hold me close, then hold me.
If you don't, then forget it.
Benji
| Stripped and Lusted 10:50 AM|
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:Thursday, September 14, 2006:
apologies for the missed entries. With the pressure from
work and family. Nothing's appreciated and now I'm starting
to wonder whether its all worth it. Having to neglect the
people I hold dear to my heart. With so many problems
just running through my head. Someone just put a gun in
my mouth and blow my brains up.
I don't know whats important in me now. I don't know
who to turn to when I'm down with myself. Don't say
the things that you don't mean. I want to just drop everything
and run away. But then, coming to think of it, will I be
able to? I need someone who can give me answers.
I need to be loved again. Will you?
Benji
| Stripped and Lusted 8:59 PM|
|
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:Saturday, September 09, 2006:
I feel so helpless when someone's in trouble yet I
can't do anything more just to have them free so
much better. I feel useless. Yet sometimes, when
people need help, I just refuse to offer that help
for them. I'd rather stand at one corner and laugh
if something happens to them.
I wish that I was like the rest of my other friends.
They pratically have nothing to worry about. Yet
with me, I've to worry about how I protrait myself.
I've to worry about what I'll do without my closest
dearest at my side. I need someone who can take
care of me and ask me hows my day. I need the
company of them around me.
I've been stressed with work, family and I'm not
really taking it very well. I need love. I need love.
I don't want it to end with a simple telephone call
and I'm just ditch with nothing at all. There's so many
things I feel like telling, but I don't know when it'll
come back and just kill me. I rather stay silent
and keep it all inside me. I won't be out for the following
week. Sorry peeps, but the time will come soon
alrights?
Benji
| Stripped and Lusted 10:09 PM|
|
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:Thursday, September 07, 2006:
I've been working the whole week. And it's not going
to stop just yet. I messaged 2 people just before they
left but I had no replies. sighs. Work was alright, with
the usual tirness at the end of my shift. Thank God my
boss is giving me shifts now so that I can rest.
I've made a deal with my colleagues. No clubbing for
2 weeks. That means I've to wait 2 more fridays
before I can club. And it's gonna be a Saturday! =D
I keep thinking that I can sleep early for once so
that I won't feel so tired. But I guess I was wrong. And
now, I smell vinegar in the air.
I seriously hate people that don't reply me on msn.
And to end this, I had 2 talks today. One with my
colleague and one with my mum. Ever since I've started
working with the bank. My character has changed like
hell loads. I get angry easily. Its not just me. Its my
colleagues too. I guess the rest won't understand.
We don't feel appreaciated after doing so much. Just
to come home and get nagged and sometimes, having
misunderstanding with your friends just because of a
bad day of work. My aunt said that I'm nearing depression
cause of the way I've been behaving at home. Oh no.
Benji
| Stripped and Lusted 11:06 PM|
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:Tuesday, September 05, 2006:
The world's superficial with loads of things.
I'm not happy with the world. I'm not happy
with society. I'm not happy that the government's
going to swallow up 2 of my bros.
I'm not happy with the mindset of typical chinese
singaporeans. I'm not happy with indecisive
people. They should just die.
But I'm happy with my group I hang with. Thats
enough to make me smile.
Benji
| Stripped and Lusted 11:58 PM|
|
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:Monday, September 04, 2006:
Can you pretend to be the man I should have been with
Can we fake the life you know that I should had
Can we do a better job at pretending that you really cared.
Or I'll have to give the part to someone else.
Just a speech of advice now, many things has been
happening and I still get them from my sources.
Just move on with life and stop thinking about the past.
If you're never going to let go of the past, you'll never
move on into the future and you'll never be happy.
GET the picture on a whole and stop taking yourself
into self pity.
I've gotten into a cold war with my parents now so we'll
see what comes along the way. Cause no doubt, I'll still
be living a whole lot longer.
Benji
| Stripped and Lusted 11:18 AM|
|
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:Saturday, September 02, 2006:
I feel caught in between by 2 parties of people.
On one hand, I have the people that brought me
up all my life. And on the other, I have my friends
that I want to hold on to so dearly. I have friends
that I can talk to more and understand more than
my parents.
I feel so caught in between and its taking a toll
already. Just give me a break. I've been sighing
ever since that night. But everytime I meet up
with my friends, I just happen to smile and be happy.
When they're gone, everything ends there.
And every night I go home. I have nothing to say
to my parents at all. I don't know how to talk to
them. I don't know how to explain things to them.
And they always have other factors of crap to pull
on me. But the funny thing is, I don't feel guilty.
Cause I've done nothing wrong to even get sad.
I want my friends. And now, I really know what's
more important to me. Its not the people that love
me and brought me up. Its the people that love me
and hear me out.
Love,
Benji
| Stripped and Lusted 8:47 PM|
|
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:Friday, September 01, 2006:
Clubbing was great last night. Met new people and
let emotions show. But well, some people knew what
happened. Its not that I want to be that upset but
aye,
I've absolutely nothing to say to them anymore.
There's a list of people that I wanted to thank. I
guess, you know who you are. Thank You.
My tears have long gone dry. From now on, Benji's
going to be an anti-social slut. FULLSTOP.
| Stripped and Lusted 11:36 PM|
|
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::
I feel guilty to whatever shit that I've cause
unintentionally. I took a walk down street yesterday
in the middle of the night where everyone was
quietly asleep having their dreams somewhere
in happyland. The road was emty and the cool
wind blew through the night against my face
as I let out a sigh.
Memories of the past just came rushing back
into my mind and the thoughts of my friends
came in. To think what I'll be doing without
them and having to face this world alone. I'm afraid.
What happens if I lose them? What happen if
something were to happen? What happens if my
parents were to send me overseas?
I'll freaking cry my eyes out. I can keep ranting
this on my blog but what good will it do? I don't
want to live my life in denial already. And I pity
those who do. Just trying to put up a strong front
and having skin the layer of an elephant. It's not
wrong to be hurt. It doesn't show signs of weakness.
It only shows you're human. All I want know is
my gin tonic so I can club the night away.
Benji
| Stripped and Lusted 9:58 AM|
|
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