:Wednesday, August 30, 2006:
I shouldn't have agreed, I shouldn't have opened my mouthand I should have just walk my lonely path home. It just felt
all weird having to sit there accepting what was coming ahead
although I knew it wasn't going to be a good one.
It's like, seeing your own death infront of you but knowing
you can't do anything about it. It's freaky. Having to know
that the person that you want to be with cannot be with you
and that the person that likes you will never get a part of you.
Having to sit from a corner just to eye with that look and
watch you with every single bit of envy they have.
I've been there and felt that. And to those that I've hurt,
I'm sorry but well, I'm the way I am. I get angry easily and I
know that. But then again, I need someone that can tell me
that and tell me everything that I need to know. Will that
come? I don't know. As I said, I don't feel loved anymore.
I don't know who to tell when I'm sad. Therefore, I rather
be alone and drown myself with my sorrows.
Benji
| Stripped and Lusted 11:58 PM| |
__________
:Tuesday, August 29, 2006:
My heart cried on the inside and then I told myselfit was time all these had to end. What has been done
has been done. Those that have been said has been said,
and actions done. End all the superficial cares and sweet
talks already. I'm not going to carry on fooling myself
just to find happiness at all cost.
Max has been right. For once, just stop all the lies.
Stop all the actings and stop everything that you're
doing just to make things go your way. Its this early
in the morning that I sit at my lappy which 23 playing
on my itunes and my whole heart just sank.
I'm disappointed. I just I have to thank my AC stupid
boy for listening to me rant.
but then, somehow, are you the one?
are you.
Benji
| Stripped and Lusted 2:06 AM| |
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:Saturday, August 26, 2006:
As I sat outside to have dinner with my parents,I felt different. For the first time, I sat there with
absolutely nothing to speak to them about. Besides
the usual "help me pour water" statement. With
the song Angels or Devils playing on my itunes and
with thoughts running through my mind, I just
took that sighs that walked back into my room.
I was talking to my bro on the phone just now and
he's just stressed with everything that's going on.
After listening him out, I felt for him. He knows,
I'll be here. We'll all be here. Obstacles are here
for us already. He has his feelings for that someone
inside him. So does jovan. We all have the rights
to choose who we want to be with. I hate this
feeling that's burning inside. I hate it loads. Help now.
Benji
| Stripped and Lusted 7:59 PM| |
__________
::
Life of a child is no easier than the life of a teenager.And life of a teenager is no easier than the life of an
adult. I feel haunted by my past and now by my
parents. They're breathing down my neck everytime
I go back late. ARGH I'm 18 and at the rate that they
are haunting me, I'll die by the age of 21. There's reason
for everything that I am doing. There's a reason why
I chose to switch my cellphone off. There's a reason
why I'm the way I am now.
But I guess I have to say that I do joy. Thanks to my
friends that I have have. The people that seriously
understand what's going on in me. Yes I do feel that I've
been leading a secret life for the past 4 years. It's not
going to be easy. But things will pull through, Or for
that matter I hope. This is, I leave a poem to read.
And so it came to be
this isolation that I am
I can only look at me
to find the way it all began-
this confusion, constant
hunger for something more than this
I strive to find this being
that I envision, yet seem to miss,
could it be that I am empty-
or maybe a little lost?
could it be that I am lonely,
or seeking happiness at all cost?
this never ending something
that I am living deep inside,
depicts the illusion of myself
and all I have to hide.
To the people that have been reading my blog,
be it I know who you are or not, a word of thanks.
=)
Benji
| Stripped and Lusted 4:21 PM| |
__________
:Thursday, August 24, 2006:
I saw my friend fall down to his knees recently cryingjust for the times his boyfriend and him were spending
happy times together. Just one night and everything is
lost with 2 words, "Let's breakup". Then suddenly, that
fear came running down my back once again. That fear
that most of us have in losing someone that we hold so
dear to our hearts.
It's not that we don't know what we want, but instead
its that we don't know how to understand each other.
There are people in my heart that I want to hold close
too but with that fear that struck me, my doubts are
running back in it took over that instantly. Should have
done something but I've done it enough, by the way
your hands were shaking rather waste some time with you.
Should have said something but I've said it enough.
I feel the maddness running through my mind. I dare
not make anymore promises already. Finally after work,
I get to sit in my room with music from DC and The Used,
playing on my itunes. Just having to sit here in my solace
with thoughts running through my mind can be
comforting. We never find it if we keep looking for it.
I don't want to waste time with you anymore. Finally,
I get to be alone just with myself.
I've been waiting for this feeling again. After things had
changed so much around me. Now, I'm back. Do I feel
good feeling back? I don't know. In doing this, at least
that I know I won't be like my friend who cried his eyes
out just to achieve nothing the next day. I want to draw
the line already, And its time I've done so. I don't want
to feel this way. But it's for the better. Its the battle of
myself on the inside I have to fight.
I'll disappear slowly. But no matter what, you'll always
know. I heart my bros till the extend, no one will ever
understand. It's a tough time I'm going through now.
I guess blogging is not on my mind. Pray for me. Love.
Benji
| Stripped and Lusted 9:06 PM| |
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:Monday, August 21, 2006:
I have made things very clear yesterday already.If you don't have what it takes, don't be. Ever stopped
thinking it was somebody else but yourself? I guessed
you didn't. From what I heard yesterday, woah! I
guess that the things you have been telling my bros
are seriously for sure huh.
"I think Benji likes me"
Phrase of the century bros. For once, take a look in
the mirror and judge yourself from top to toe before
I start doing the judging. I don't think you want
that to happen. Going around saying, " I think that
so and so likes me" wth. You seriously have the
guts don't you.
One thing's for sure, I'm letting the cat out of the bag.
I'm letting things known and trust me on this, it's
not going to be a good thing to messed with anymore.
Therefore, stay far away from me. Stay FAR away.
God bless your contridictory soul.
Benji
| Stripped and Lusted 11:18 AM| |
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:Sunday, August 20, 2006:
I'm now confused over what I want and who I want.I'm sinking back into the place that I never want to
be in again. It looks like I don't have a choice. Things
around me are getting clearer. The colours are starting
to show. The jealousy and envy greeds of the human
soul are starting to shed into light, and I know all your
deepest darkest secrets.
Class is everything under the limelight. If you don't
have what it takes to be in class, don't be. We all know
you don't have what it takes. Comparing to the others
out there, I rather you be picking up trash. Unless
being cheap is your speciality on this wonderful night.
For tonight, I have seen how cheap and low one can
drop too. You surprise me more and more, and the
only way I'm letting these out is here. Right here.
All the deepest darkest secrets which are kept will
be shown to the light. I've to start changing my opinions
and impressions of the people already. I've seen what
acts in the name of desperation people can come up
with. You are getting worst. And I applause to that.
For you have brought yourself to an even lower level
I have ever seen. Read my blog for it has been stained
with a word just for you. Cheap.
I'll quote the phrase from one of my bros. I heart him
loads.
"I'll be praying for all the desperate hearts tonight"
Benji
| Stripped and Lusted 6:17 AM| |
__________
:Thursday, August 17, 2006:
I will not carry myself down to die when I go to my gravemy head will be high.
Benji
| Stripped and Lusted 11:39 PM| |
__________
::
AND class is ending. Clubbing's ending. My life's ending.EVERYTHING's ending already. okay, that was random.
I just spoke to michelle over the phone, I hope that she
can make it down to whynot this saturday. Cause, boss
gave me time off these week. Therefore = no WORK.
I can't wait for school to end. After UT and everything,
its going to be town again. With jovan and the rest. I
wanna watch 2 shows. So well, if you're up to it, ask me
out.
In the running for position number 1: GHOST GAME
and next in position number 2: AN AMERICAN HAUNTING.
So0o, book me okays! Now, I just hope that michelle
can make it with her friends on saturday, so that
Siewling can go with michelle too. bleah.
Pray for me will ya? hah.
Benji
| Stripped and Lusted 2:17 PM| |
__________
:Wednesday, August 16, 2006:
I just got home from supper and chilling with myclassmates at gardens. Thanks to Jevin for sending
me back home cause I seriously need to pee. HAH.
Thanks to me having not gone to school today, I'm
not going to school on friday also. Ain't in the mood
to go to school now that the semester is coming to
an end.
I was thinking of dying my hair blue later on in the
day. I'm not sure whether godma has time to dye
it for me. Well, we'll all have to see what becomes of
my hair already. I'm talking to hon online now and
well, its seriously a ball of confusion going on our
minds. Take it as a blessing being straight you homospians
out there. Its no easier being in my shoes.
This week's the last week that the group's clubbing
together at whynot. aye, we'll be back. I hope that
doreen can cover my shift on Sunday so that I can
club on Saturday after work. Things have changed
so much that I don't know myself that much anymore.
Everything about me is simply "friends". I need someone
to love me now. I don't feel loved anymore.
Benji
| Stripped and Lusted 3:04 AM| |
__________
:Sunday, August 13, 2006:
Work was stressed to a warzone yesterday. Well, I'vehad enough ranting about the nonsense that has been
going on already. FUCK THEIR PUSSY. hah >.<
Ended work at 10pm and thanks to daddy that fetched
me back to change and fetched me back out to the train
station. And then again, I was late to reach tanjong pagar.
bleah.
Was at club 95 till1am before returning back to whynot.
Instantly, hah. NO doubt that the Dj on saturday is
better than the Dj on friday. Hah, I've been waiting for
my music to return. I had fun yesterday with my bros.
The amount of nonsense one group can create. lol.
And I never once regretted for knowing them all. I heart
them all the same.
Having max and I to run out of the club to take a smoke
and upon hearing Shakira's Hips Don't Lie, the two of us
rushed back in. LOL. haha..it was fun. period. so stop
asking whether I had fun. -sticks tongue- My clubbing
days will never end. =) I love them all. We'll just have to
see when the group can meet up again. I'm just waiting for
the holidays to come.
We'll be back. Thats for sure.
Benji
| Stripped and Lusted 12:34 PM| |
__________
:Thursday, August 10, 2006:
Well its been long since that I've blogged already. And many thingshave been happening lately already. Shan't probe inside for the
time being. Back to the things that has been happening lately now.
Mummy's gone to Bangkok and that basically means, I get to stay
out late. =) Clubbing's still on saturday night after work. Woooo.
Mummy's getting me the Louis Vuitton wallet, either the damier
or the monogram canvers one. HAH! Now I'm excited. After Louis
Vuitton, I wanna get the Gucci.
And I'll tell you something else on my wishlist. And thats the JBL
Pro speakers add-on for my IPOD video.
Which of the 3 should I get? HAH. I'm excited now.
National day yesterday was a total disaster. Having to watch
See No Evil with hon and Jovan. LOL. Well, picture this,
I'm sitting in the middle of 2 people older than me having the
pop-corn box over they're face. -faints- What a regret.
Ta da! oh, from this angle, this photo looks like hon. HAH.
Well, I'll prolly be in town later meeting Nor and the rest.
Hon's not feeling well and I won't be going to Bukit Timah
anytime this week. Should I feel guilty? LALALA.
Benji
| Stripped and Lusted 12:18 PM| |
__________
:Monday, August 07, 2006:
Tell me its time to give up on the things that I holdclose to me. Tell me that I've been holding on to
friends just to much till I'll be blinded by their very
lies and actions. Today's just been too much for one
to handle. Talking about being hypocritical. Thanks
to mum who can even bring that up infront of me
and thanks to me having to shoot examples of her
infront of daddy, she just goes silent.
FUCK this. I guess that the game has started. Don't
even get me started on what happened and excuses
that all of you have been giving. Excuses are nothing
but reasons put in good words. I've had enough of
the hell and nonsense that has been going on. The
trust that was once given and built on just came
crashing down. Not to me only, but to the 2 other
closes people in line in my life. I'm speechless to the
extend where I've been made to believe of giving up.
I'm having enough nonsense from my mum already,
and I don't need these now. I need you people to just
be here like how we were there for you. You don't call
us friends and then do something behind. The next
time I see you, should I return the knife that you stabbed?
Or just ask you to shoot me in the head for being fooled
by a liar. Now you tell me, what should I do? I've been
kept in the dark for too long, and now, ashes to ashes,
spirits to spirits, its time for payback.
And boy, payback's an ASS.
Benji
| Stripped and Lusted 10:37 PM| |
__________
:Sunday, August 06, 2006:
Clubbing was horrid last night. ARGH, and I have tothank like loads of people for helping me out yesterday.
Thanks to some old man that was tailing me around
tanjong pagar. Where I was, he has to be there. I swear,
i seriously think that he's hired by my mum as a PI to
tail me already. I've got to thank my cousin and mag,
max who walked me out of whynot and well almost
gone into some uooloo lane, edison who had to stare at
him and watch that old man smile back, yang who was
there with me most of the time.
Aye, if he isn't a PI, then it makes it a whole lot worst.
E, I can't think of the outcome. So go figure it out. HAH.
And yes, if anyone is trying to play a prank, I'm seriously
FREAK OUT NOW. So here I am, sitting infront of my
lappy, listening to MAMBO songs and talking to my bros
online at 12.40 am. Aye, I seriously missed hanging out
with them already. Edison, Jovan, Max, Matthew and
the rest. Yesterday was just great to a certain extend.
I MISSED THEM. The fun times we had in town. LOL
And to the 2 people out there that cares for me so much.
Don't like me larh. Its better that we be friends now yup.
Its difficult for me to say this face to face, so here I am,
bloggin it down cause I know that you do read my blog.
I hope that you'll understand it sometime in the future.
To be like winston, I DONT KNOW WHAT I WANT.
hah, happy bro? EMO you. -sticks tongue-
rofl.
Benji
| Stripped and Lusted 12:30 AM| |
__________
:Thursday, August 03, 2006:
For the record now, I want you out of my life.You touched it, took it, FUCKED it and now
playing with it? WTH? I totally regretting
introducing my friends to you. And I have myself
to blame for that shit.
Get out. Get out of my life, and stay far away
from me.
Benji
| Stripped and Lusted 9:47 PM| |
__________
::
And it's thursday. How more excited can I be till the weekends.Having to be able to stay away from school for 2 days. Lunch
with mum was okay yesterday, just that it felt weird having to
go out with her. And now, she want's family days to be on fridays.
WHAT THE FREAK. What will happen to my chilling days? lol.
And I was hoping for a change, this is what I get. Well, mummy's
flying off to Bangkok with the rest of the women in the family,
that means that I get to show my tail for awhile don't I?
It's been so long since I was early for school today and well, today
happened to be the day. LOL. I need someone to love me NOW.
grahh. I'll be taking things one step at a time. Now, it's all waiting
for tomorrow. Yep, clubbing. That's the only way to getting things
off my mind. Adults do have problems, doesn't mean that we
don't. I have the troubles of my own. I guess that we all do and I
should stop affecting others with them. Cause, it isn't their problem
in the first place.
Let me rot and die alone so that no one will know that I am gone.
I want to take time off just to backpack around australia. Oh, this
is just random. E35P has loads of pussybitches and backstabbing
dicks. Well, we all know whats going on in class. So don't go around
bitching behind us cause the walls have ears. I'll be coming after
all of you. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
LoL. Clubbing on wednesday with Jevin? MAMBO!
Benji
| Stripped and Lusted 10:35 AM| |
__________
:Tuesday, August 01, 2006:
This is just being random. I was having a conve with michelleand LOOK WHAT HAPPENED! lol.
hah. Bad photo resolution but well, its been a long time
since this blog has seen a photo on it. Or at least one.
Things has been all weird since mum found out about me.
She's all kind now. And tomorrow, she wants to go for
lunch and shopping after that. Woow, thats the most
random thing I ever heard so far from her.
But then again, maybe she's just being nice again. Who
knows? I'll still be clubbing on friday. Its the time to
see my bros again. ARGH, I miss them.
It's going to be fun. It's so going to be. =) And I can't
wait.
And one more thing, I hope Ivan and the rest don't kill
me for this. LOL. go watch their instant fame MTV!
Thanks to the class MTV. hah..people, we rawk.
Benji
| Stripped and Lusted 6:41 PM| |
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