:Thursday, June 29, 2006:
A friend asked me recently whether I wanted to be
either famous or infamous, meaning, just normal like
everybody else. Well, there are its pros and cons
in both groups.
After explaining to be the pros and cons, I told her
that I'll rather be famous and have loads of problems.
Firstly, famous doesn't mean rich. Famous just means
well known.
Well, most famous people have loads of problems.
And with the things that I have now, there is no difference
well, at least I get to be famous. In a good way that is.
I'm empty on my mind to blog. I'm happy. I really am.
So stop asking.
Benji
| Stripped and Lusted 3:12 PM|
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:Wednesday, June 28, 2006:
Was out in town today and I wanted to thank the
peeps for the talk. I guess I really needed that
awakening back to reality. To know that I actually
don't know what I want or what I want. I feel so
lost. So I'll make this post really easy to understand.
imysmb.
Benji
| Stripped and Lusted 11:10 PM|
|
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:Tuesday, June 27, 2006:
Sometimes when I look at things, I wanna cry.
I wanna cry out everyone's problems like there's
no tomorrow. Impressions are starting to change
to take its ugly form. Then again, I question
myself for making these decisions for everything
that stays mine. I confused right now. Is it that
I judge too fast? or that I happen to see things too
clearly.
The desperation of a lonely soul. I guess I can be
mean at times. Thats how I actually got my free
admission pass into hell with a 100% stamp which
states VIP queue. Lucifer wants me so bad enough
to tell me that my life is so screwed up. The problems
are never ending and the past haunts the present
like nobody's shit business.
I'm not in a good mood right now. Memories I guess.
I need a long night sleep. I need to fall into my deepest
darkest runaway place to hide in my solace and cry
myself out just to make me feel tired enough to sleep.
With the many songs stuck in my head, I got to hand it
down to songs like hands down and 23. I guess I'll never
get bored listening to them. They make me start crying
with all my emotions waiting to burst out like a FREAKING
BULLET.
Someone point a gun at me and shoot me now.
Benji
| Stripped and Lusted 11:55 PM|
|
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:Monday, June 26, 2006:
At night when I sleep, I always think of what will
happen if I wasn't around. Will things turn out
better or for worst. I don't know. Its in these times
that when I look back into the past, I feel so lost.
Did I make the correct descision or was I wrong
all along. I miss my coven. I miss the 'blackness'
that we used to hide in.
Cause when I leave this place, I know that I'll
have to leave people behind. Am I willing to take
that step, I don't know. I've been taking 3 steps up
and 2 steps back lately. What the hell is happening
to me. But well, I've got to admit that I learnt
something all these while. The problem doesn't
lie with the world, the problem lies with me.
I've been ranting all these while thinking that the
world isn't a nice place. But its people like me that
makes the world a bad place. I'm trying to make
a smile out of everything already. Give me credit
for that. But the topic that is running through my
mind now is,
whether I should go back into wicca. I know it
won't be doing me any good, but then again, we
all live life once done we? Why not make the best
out of it. Down the rabbit hole I go again.
Benji
| Stripped and Lusted 11:14 PM|
|
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:Sunday, June 25, 2006:
And I spent another sunday out at the usual,
just chilling my arse off with my peeps. DAMN,
I need a life. With constant thoughts running
through my mind thinking what I'll do if I hadn't
stayed in Singapore. What my life would be if I
had got overseas to study. Will all these problems
still chase me like I've been running a thousand
mile away from them? They just seem to know
my every move.
And I happen to meet someone that I usually
talk things out with today. I guess he knows alot
about me and the things going on. What a BITCH.
And I just need to get all these things off my mind
before I can carry on. Damn we need to club. I
guess I need a new hobby, or that I have to find
the one that I have not been doing all along.
Whynot's definitely on.
If just by one kiss will be able to change luck, I
rather smack my head against the wall and let
myself bleed to death. Cause as I was just telling
wynner, I already earned my direct ticket into
hell since sec 2. And I get damn easily irritated
these days. I don't know why. So don't come and
poke me. I wish things were like the old days.
Just so carefree.
Benji
| Stripped and Lusted 11:53 PM|
|
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:Saturday, June 24, 2006:
Things have been so messy these days that
its seriously messing up my mind. That gives
me the creeps of having to die in my sleep.
The people around me are changing so fast
till the extend when I totally give up on wanting
to bother anymore. They don't know when a
simple white lie can actually turn a person's
life upside down.
Sometimes, I think of the times where I will
be with the people I love, just overseas living
together. To be like my cousins who are in
brisbane now. Its times like these that I really
feel I need to miss them. Please let me die there.
Just when you get to trust a person, BOOM.
He shoots you down just like that. Ironic don't
you think? The puzzles in my life will never be
complete cause people just come and go taking
pieces of me away. And soon, I don't know what
I'll become already. Life just repeats itself like a
routine everyday which makes it so meaningless.
But anyway, I like the way you bother and cared
about me. I'll never forget.
Benji
| Stripped and Lusted 12:44 AM|
|
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:Friday, June 23, 2006:
I regretted talking on the phone yesterday night.
Well, maybe cause two factors came to my mind.
I got scolded by my parents this morning and that,
I realized what a fool I have been. Well, as I said
before, the cloesest people hurt you the most. Not
referring to any guilty souls reading but, read well,
its not a person. Its people.
The thoughts that I have running through my mind.
For all I have done for them, I guess that I just have
been taken advantage of. Surprising for me to hear
2 different narations of the same story in less than
10 minutes. Count that for friendship. Not only am
I starting to suspect people, but I'm also starting to
suspect myself.
Rant Rant Rant. School's been difficult for me. I just
don't have the zest to go back to school anymore.
There's just alot of things on my mind, and its
difficult for me to say it out cause I don't usually talk
about my problems out with a word of mouth. I rather
affect myself than others. For I know that I'm just a
tormented soul.
I've stopped seeking and started dying. For when I
wake up in the morning, I feel that I've been living
my life like a fool. With the people cloeset to me
playing the game so well.
Benji
| Stripped and Lusted 8:48 AM|
|
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:Tuesday, June 20, 2006:
How can I pretend that I dont know what's
going on? And we are sent together this one
time, and no one will get left behind,
stand up
for life.
The rest will follow so sing this song. okay,
that was ramdom from the song
"stand up for life' by destiny's child.
I guess now that I am sitting here blogging,
I seriously miss you. I want you to hug me to
sleep again. I want you accompanying me
the whole night again. I miss that time. And
we'll stay this way. For I know one thing.
You belong to me. You belong to me.
well, lets take note of today's date. For it
will remind me for what I have with you.
Benji
| Stripped and Lusted 11:16 PM|
|
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:Sunday, June 18, 2006:
The thoughts came running back into my mind.
The stupid things that I have to do just to get
things my way. Why do I find my sorrows and
pain in songs which make me feel worst. I'm on
the verge of breaking, for the angel of death
is here to claim it's soul.
It hurts so bad for me to see you this way. Yet
filled with sadness and pain, keeping everything
in. I felt like shit yesterday night. And you know
what, that was the first time attitude came into
the picture. I hate myself. I don't know why
there are so many people around me that care
but my inner soul just refuses to accept it.
My life is nothing but a nightmare from one
of the freak movies. I've afraid to have time alone
by myself. I'm afraid that I'll not know what I'm
doing when I'm alone. There's just too much that
time cannot erase. When you cry I wipe away
all of your tears, When you scream I fight away
all of your fears. I held your hand through all
of these years. You still have me.
I try so hard to tell myself that you're gone.
But though you're still with me, I've been alone
all along.
This is how lyrics kill me slowly like a thousand
knives piercing my heart slowly. Now you
understand why I'm afraid to be alone. Now
you understand why I love yet am afraid of
music. Then again, I'm sorry for what happened
yesterday night. Screw myself.
I feel like sitting behind orhard mrt just to
cry my eyes out. Why am I putting myself in an
important place when I'm nothing but a low life
kid.
Benji
| Stripped and Lusted 12:39 AM|
|
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:Friday, June 16, 2006:
There's seriously something wrong with me.
I get so happy at times yet depressed and down
over things so quickly. This routine happens
3 times in a day. Now someone help me.
I don't know what I should do. But all I know
is that, I don't want to be the last person to die
in this world.
Then again, why didn't I just die in Brisbane.
Wouldn't that be fine? Wouldn't that make people
feel that I'm a nuisance around them? Just simply
ranting my problems which are so self-centered.
Yet, having to know that I don't want to leave this
world alone. I don't want to be a load on people
around me already. Firstly my parents and then
I guess you can make out the rest.
I don't what I want and what I'll do. Without people
like max, doreen, lin, anavil around me. They just
know when to be there and listen to the stupid shits
I have to rant about myself. But then, for these 4
people in me, everything is limitless. I rather be the
one taking the fall for Lin in here family's missing
organs they want from here. Doreen's money issues.
And max's eyes. Eye's are the windows to the soul.
But whats the closed soul even though there's eyes?
For the two of you. Even if I'm gone, and I told you
I'll quit smoking. I'm doing just that. Not waking up
to see the morning sun the next morning or breathe
the air of the next spring. Just take care. Love.
Benji
| Stripped and Lusted 12:13 AM|
|
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:Thursday, June 15, 2006:
Having the song Unfaithful being played
in my ipod and on the itunes really just
keeps me thinking.
Maybe I should have just died in brisbane
and never come back. And that max should
get kidnapped and die in Europe which leaves
the two of us just dead.
Having the 101 thoughts just running through
my mind with the song playing hard just
makes me think that there is nothing much
worth being here at all. I feel so empty on the
inside. Waking up every morning not knowing
what's there for me. Having the negative
thoughts just running through my mind.
My eyes are closing and yet I force myself
to pin all these down. I seriously dont know what
I want. Just realizing that my life is that empty
without the people that I love in it.
I dont know how long I can hold myself together
anymore. Someone help me out. Yet the only
thing that can hear me shouting is my shadow.
And once again, I just have to sit in my solace
and get my thoughts out.
and you really hurt me thinking that you're
always self degrading yourself.
Benji
| Stripped and Lusted 12:24 AM|
|
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:Wednesday, June 14, 2006:
yup. I'm back. got in this morning at around
5.15am WAY ahead of schedule. and i'm
really glad that I'm back here in Singapore well
before I fly back to brisbane again. rofl. =)
And that the weather is freaking cold. plus
the constant memories that I have to miss
people back here in Singapore =(
The first few nights were killing. ARGH!
And I really wanted to come back to Singapore.
=(((
Well, you know who you are. =)
And I spent like shit over in brisbane and GC.
My bitch got her gucci and Tiff and Co.
My sis got her Dior.
I got my Vuitton.
And I got max a Ralph Lauren Polo.
Now, READ IT.
I LOVE SPENDING MONEY on branded stuffs.
rofl.. and you know what? I walked into vuitton
with slippers. -opps-
and thanks to the farking Singaporeans over
there. OMFG, -drops subject-
Dont get me started.
If you wanna see photos, meet up with me.
I dont want to post it all over this blog.
And I really wanna see you now.
=((
Benji
| Stripped and Lusted 7:28 AM|
|
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:Monday, June 05, 2006:
In just a few hours i'll be embarking
on my not so long awaited journey to
brisbane with my peeps. Well, I'm hoping
that something bad really happens to me
over there. Like getting lost and having
the reoccurance of the blair witch project
happening to me. How many times do
I have to hurt people or well, also inturn
people hurting me. Just die there.
Yet on the other hand, hoping that
my friends here will take care. The feeling
of having to part just for that 9 days is like
shit. The chillings we all had. The quarrels
and misunderstandings. darn. I hate myself.
I'll miss you all. Sounds weird but I will.
I don't have my internet there and I'll
be suffering for 9 days without saying "hi".
Pfft..
Max - promise me to get the fun you deserve
there. Its the czech for christ sake. leave the
shit behind like what you told me.
Anavil - Don't think so much. Although we're
not here, ermm..take care of yourself yea.
Time doesn't heal the scars. Friends do.
Doreen - You shitter. I'll miss you lar. although
max's kinda disappointed I didn't say him.rofl.
thanks for covering my shift.
Lin - I know whats happening to you and you're
family. Well, you have us. Just chill and I'll be
back sooner than you know it.
And to lin and doreen, once trust is broken, its
difficult to gain it back. Thats why we stick so
close together. Never have I doubted you peeps
and thanks for that. smiles people. Just like for me,
its difficult to trust again but you know, its just
100%. What will I do without you all? -smiles-
I hold grudges. Leopards doesn't change its
spots. Neither do Zebra crossings.
Trust shatters like glass just like the hurt we've
received all these while. But i'm glad both of
you were here for me.
And max and anavil, we won't change. It's
going to be the same for a very long time.
I'm going to miss you both.
Now I can die in peace.
Benji
| Stripped and Lusted 2:18 PM|
|
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:Saturday, June 03, 2006:
Until my time here is through,
then my problems will be solved.
Life is short. I'm just breaking down
under the pressure that is on me.
Sometimes, I hoped that things didn't
happen. Things that I won't regret
doing.
My memories just slipped out of my
veins. I'm happy yet uptight in my
mind. I need to lie in the arms of
my angel. For my minutes will mean
eternity to me. Vultures peck me,
killing me slowly like the hurt that
you gave me.
Yet letting go isn't easier said than done.
I hate it this way. I can't seem to be
happy and secure. Someone help me.
Someone help me. Help me. I hold back
my tears just to stay strong infront of you.
Benji
| Stripped and Lusted 12:03 AM|
|
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:Thursday, June 01, 2006:
yup you did great today. =) And there
are reasons why I bought you bananas.
=)) you just surprise me more and more
each time you cuckoo.
Just that you will always be there.
I wasn't alseep. I was awake la.
trust me on that. Why?
Cause I caught you dancing on stage.
rofl. =))
Benji
| Stripped and Lusted 12:55 AM|
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