:Monday, July 31, 2006:

I feel really disguested. I guess the people or person
that can tell me one thing and yet do another ought
to be shoot. I know, that I have loads of anger in me.
But yet the things that one can say just to cover his
ass can hurt another so bad and the things that he say
can cause so much misunderstandings yet as what
Jovan said in his blog, underneath the superficial
"hugs" and "affections", everything else is so fake
and untrue.

If you don't have the heart to do it in the first place,
then don't do it. You don't come and tell me you're
all these and that making yourself sound so caring
when at the back, you just stabbed me so hard, getting
me all confused whether I can trust to say another
thing already.

I have seen colors beyond colors heard things beyond
words and felt feelings beyond feelings. Yet I guess life
wanted to take a turn for me and well, no one said it
was going to be easy. The closest hurts you the most.
Remember that. I don't need pity or concern from
some people who acts like a doubleheaded snake. Cause
I know that nothing is actually true about it. I've waken
up from this stupid long sleep. Its time for the fun to start.
It is really time.

So please, stay away. Stay far away.

Benji

| Stripped and Lusted 9:56 PM| |

__________

:Sunday, July 30, 2006:

These few days has been seriously a good excuse for me to
get shot in the head or stabbed in the back. Things has been
going way down and I just wished I was never born. I don't
know how to handle myself anymore. Its getting more and
more complicated and after all these ups and downs, its
never going to seem any better already. I'm really worried
for my bro now. He sounded bad on the phone. And so much
to me wanting to go down town to be there, things back home
has gotten worst.

Will somebody tell me how to carry on with life? God, I need
someone that can take care of me. Aye, all the problems that
we have to go through are getting way out of control. And
we're letting these problems control us and our actions. I
seriously need a break. I'm so lost on the inside again that
I don't know what I want. And the people around me are not
using their brains to think before actually doing things. Why.
Why. It hurts so bad on the inside having to sit at home and
miss my bros and look at myself going, LOVE. -hugs-

Benji

| Stripped and Lusted 11:40 PM| |

__________

:Saturday, July 29, 2006:

It's been long since I last blogged already and well,
things hasn't changed for the better, with family or
anything else of that matter. It's a working day and
I've to meet jevin and claudine to go shopping at LV
later. Aye. Fancy sitting here to blog when I quarrelled
with my mum yesterday night.

I've been thinking of changing my blog address already
simply cause too many people know about my blog
and well, its just meant for my friends. Jovan nagged
me down to whynot last night although I was kinda
not in the mood but well, everything for my bro. Xav
was there too but aye, not a whynot clubber.
-sticks tongue-

Taboo has changed alot since the last time I've been there
and I'm going back. XAV babyyy. HAH. Yang was there
yesterday drooling at all the newurbanmale boys. LALA.
Well, its not easy being in a situation like mine when I
feel that I'm living a secret life. Not being able to protrait
what I really feel inside. Who am I with my peeps are
different from who I am with my parents. And I'm on
the verge of shattering into a million pieces no one
can ever put back together. And now, they ban my cousin
from seeing me. 2 words, 1 meaning. F*** FAMILY.

Benji

Jerlyn (my colleague) wanted to be known on my blog. HAH
she's like talking to me the whole day already. well. there
you go =))

| Stripped and Lusted 12:48 PM| |

__________

:Wednesday, July 26, 2006:

Chilling with my cousins again was awesome yesterday
night. More secrets have been known and well, its been
a long time since I have seen them already cause I'm
refusing to go to my grams nowadays. Family problems,
aaah what the crap. I know more things about them
already and its just relieving to hear that they are doing
well and they wanna go club next friday. Wahaha, we all
know what that means. Whynot night on fridays. =))

I'm so looking forward to club with them. Well, yea, one of
them happened to look butch and my other cousin's unsure
of himself. OMG what am I to them? a GOD? hah. Things
have changed between me and my cousins. Its for the
better larh and I'm so glad about that. Firstly was the
whynot night and now yesterday. I'm happy to see them
happy again. HAH.

Been talking to a friend over the phone over the things
that has been happening among the whole friends thing.
Aye, our friendships really on the line. At the rate that we
are all going, I seriously don't know what has been going on
between them already. But I hope that we can all stay like
before. Chill at the movies and club just to not let the word
FEELINGS get involved.

We'll see how things evolve from here.

Benji

| Stripped and Lusted 1:56 PM| |

__________

:Monday, July 24, 2006:

Its the start of the week and I've started it with a
tired yawn. My shoulders are feeling so heavy
having the problems still lingering somewhere in
my mind. Aye, that night is over and well, I don't
know what I was doing but I know that there
were 2 girls that wanted to slap me for doing that.
LALALA~ my cousin and monica.

I guess that I have to learn that life isn't that nice
after all. After heaven shut its doors on me and hell
rejected my application in, I guess I have no where
else to go except to stay here just enduring the
things that come striking me down each time I try
to get up. NASTY.

I'm getting all excited for friday to come again. Now
my colleagues wanna club too. =))) therefore, I'll be
back. HAH, I'm EXCITED. Any takers?

Benji

| Stripped and Lusted 1:55 PM| |

__________

:Sunday, July 23, 2006:

WHAT THE FREAKING HELL WAS WRONG WITH ME
LAST NIGHT. aye, I was supposed to be enjoying myself
cubbing last night at whynot again but well, things did turn out
unexpectedly. I was at whynot and I swear I never felt uglier
than before after yesterday night. Thanks to me getting drunk
over something so worthless. I don't really know what happened
last night but I know it was all depressing. Fancy coming to work
today with a headache and sleepy eyes. And having to
update my journals during office hours. HAH, tell me
about it.

Clubbing at whynot 2 nights in a roll, at least I had fun.
But yet, I still got this feeling of going clubbing again.
Should I? or should I just lie low for awhile. Hmmm.

I just missed you so much to hurt myself even more.

Benji

| Stripped and Lusted 12:17 PM| |

__________

:Saturday, July 22, 2006:

Clubbing yesterday at whynot was great. I had a chance to
get some stuffs off my mind. aye, thanks to matt's cha-cha
partner monica for hearing me rant for like half the night
and constantly giving me her 100cents worth of advice.
WTH, she's a head prefect and peer mediator. HAH.
Met up with yang there outside whynot together with PS
and the rest of them.

Had a little talk with yang after clubbing which makes me
realized how much I've been missing out on the world just
cause I've been circling myself over 'actors' that can't act.
And this statement just caught my attention. An act has to
end one day. No act can go on forever. People just realized
how fake it'll be. I just have to thank yang for yesterday.

And I had a freak shocked last night at whynot. ARGH.
I was going into whynot and the door bitch asked for my ID.
and she checked mine last and she said "benjamin seng"
and I going ya why?
and she replied "you don't even know your own cousin".
Well go figure the rest out. HAH, I so heart her now.

Benji

| Stripped and Lusted 2:30 PM| |

__________

:Wednesday, July 19, 2006:

Be it whether I've changed or because of the new
people I have come to known, I've come to realized
why my actions like these were. No matter how
close and dear your friends can call you. BEWARE.
Nothing is for sure until actions have been seen and
words have been heard. Friend, Enemy or Foe?
That surprises me everytime with the people I
choose to hang with.

I've put myself in your shoes looking at things from
your views. Now try putting yours in mine. Being
narrow minded doesn't come with the writer. It comes
with the writer that doesn't know his writings. You
must prolly be going HUH now. Well, one thing's I've
always known now, that I've changed not because
of myself but its cause of the people that I hang with.
You ask too much. And I've always been the dumb one
giving in to your childish needs.

I've seen enough and heard enough to decide things on
my own. For once, I feel so sure about doing this. Maybe
Lydia was right about this all the while. One thing's for
sure, We sure can't worry about the things we can't control.
Life's too short for us to keep looking back, so why not
just look forward and ditch the past behind? Jo's leaving
and I'm such a sucker for tears. I'll miss the times that we'all
chilled together. She's the first to go and so will the rest of us.
I can't wait to be back in australia. I'll miss bonfire with
my peeps. Then again, time is ticking till the next time
we all meet. I'm totally looking forward to it.

Benji

| Stripped and Lusted 11:57 PM| |

__________

:Tuesday, July 18, 2006:

Nobody said it was easy and it wasn't. How words and
actions hurt like a thousand nails driving into my soul.
I've been condemned and been running in cirlces like
some lab rat, waiting for my experiment time to be up.
I've given up hope waiting for answers that I know
won't come. There's too many WHYS and too little
HOWS to help me along the way already.

I teared in the train quietly when I was on the way to
school. Having The Scientist by Coldplay on my ipod.
It just struck me after all the things that has happened
in my life and the upteen times I have said that I have
to be happy, I'm not. I've been kidding myself all the
while just to look happy. The hurts just come back even
more after I looked back on the times with the people
that I loved by my side guiding me along the way.

Things don't turn out the way we want them too.
It's all about karma and fate people. For the sky has turned
sinister to pull me down when I was climbing back up.
Please send me someone trustworthy to send my time
with. I need to relax already, giving the troubled mind
a break to let everything go. I JUST WANT TO SIT BY
THE BEACH AND CRY EVERYTHING OUT.
Nobody said it was going to be easy. It's just a shame that
we all had to part. I've made my decision and I'll stick
to it.

I'll be going back to the start now. I enjoyed my time
chilling with you online. love.

Benji

| Stripped and Lusted 10:16 PM| |

__________

:Monday, July 17, 2006:

I'm done with slacking already. I need to work harder
for my studies already. ARGH I'm disappointed in myself.
I should stop watching Laguna Beach and listening to my
Ipod in class. Please bless me with a trustful soul that
can be with me to discipline me. hahaha.. I have to be
happy again. Afterall, I made new friends =/

I'm done for today.

Benji

| Stripped and Lusted 10:44 PM| |

__________

:Sunday, July 16, 2006:

Now things have become clearer. The unseen became
known and the unheard became loud. Those secrets we
hide deep down inside has emerged becoming known
to the closest people around. Nothing's going to be like
it used to. I feel hurt deep down refusing to show signs
of weakness on the outside. Referring back to the mask
we all wear to hide the ugliness of whats within. BANG
someone shoot me in the head now.

The fakeness of souls. Acting one imagine infront and
another behind. We create too many imagines infront
of people till we forget what we actually are. Therefore,
we are not what we are on the outside. Things just get
uglier when we dive deeper. I can't wait to move out
of my parents. I cannot live with them. I see myself
becoming more and more like them. What a nightmare.

My mum just cried to me telling me things that has
been happening behind my back. The things that my
relatives can say about me. My mum's hurt. I guess its
my fault all the while. Well, also having to deal with the
people that are closest to me having to be so twisted and
fake. I can't take these anymore, forced till the extend
of realizing that one man's trash is the next man's
treasure. One man's pain is the next man's pleasure.

Everyone's changing. Should I?

Benji

| Stripped and Lusted 11:42 PM| |

__________

:Saturday, July 15, 2006:

I was chilling yesterday in town till about 10 at night
when I realized that I need someone to be with me.
I realized that I was just being the old me that used
to chill the night away cause it was a friday night
just refusing to be home early. And then again, having
to be at work the next day totally tires me out. I miss
then saturdays that I used to chill with my peeps and
now that Jo's leaving for brisbane, I doubt whether I'll
be able to make it for her farewell party.

I go to sleep everynight now just thinking what I'll do
or become in the future. I'm afraid for the future. At
the rate that I'm going in life or at school, I don't think
that I'll make it very far. I feel so sinky sometimes
just knowing that I'll fall back into my loneliness.
I'm afraid, I'm afraid. Someone please help me this once.
I didn't want to sleep and I waited till midnight just to
see if there were to be that someone online to talk too,
but I guess, it never came.

Having to know somethings about work. DAMN citibank's
sucking a hell load out of me. I feel no motivation to go to
work anymore. Everyone's changing and just not wanting
to stay with citibank, and now, I wonder whether the
problem lies with the us or with the bank. I'm seriously
thinking of finishing my 1 year with the bank and resigning
thereafter already. I can't wait to go overseas yet not
wanting to leave my peeps behind. I live everything for
them. I don't know what I'll do without them.

Then again, I'm being ramdom. Or am I not? Clubbing next
week already.

Benji

| Stripped and Lusted 11:49 PM| |

__________

:Friday, July 14, 2006:

Things have been rough lately. My mood's swing up and
down again, the usuals I guess. Aye. But then again, thank
god its friday. I need my chilling sessions again. ARGH its
the only thing that I'm looking forward to for the weekends.
I just need to runaway. Life is nothing much but a packet
of candy waiting to be eaten. After its eaten, what's left is
only its wrapper to have memories of.

I have to say this for I seriously am happy these days. I
don't know why. Well I guess Benji has to come back
someday. Clubbing next friday's on already. I've decided
that I should learn to ps people more often. And then I was
thinking to myself. WHAT THE HECK AM I DOING?! rofl.
I need to go shopping. I need new clothes. I need to work too.
I need to club. I need to play Mj. I need erm...love?
Its just that someone made me happy.
I wanna run to the highest building, look up into the sky
and shout my everythings out.

Now I'm just waiting for you to be the one that will drive
all my troubles away. And I know that you can do it.
Do it, just for me.

Benji

| Stripped and Lusted 11:46 PM| |

__________

:Thursday, July 13, 2006:

I was chilling with daryl at gardens yesterday night
and well the topic happened to be about the world
of Ajs. Shit, I think that I'm turning daryl gay already.
Hah, we're suppose to go to whynot to club cause he's
still a virgin clubber. ROFL. Its damn funny larh
chilling with a straight guy that wants to know about
"the other things".
Argh, if daryl turns gay I swear I'll never forgive myself.

Been looking around lately. Everything's pretty much
the same usual self like before. No new life changes.
There was one thing that daryl and I were talking about
and it was just that one particular thing that made me
realize how much homosapians can be and well, we're
still all alike in a way or another. Minus the details now.
Tomorrow night's a night out again. Chilling with the usual
peeps.

Thats all I want desperately now. My chilling sessions.
I can't even give two shits about work and school anymore.
My boss is a blardy hell air head and school's been so-so
all the while. I dont have the zest and life back to go to school
in the mornings anymore. Lets see how things will be turning
out for me. Afterall, cliques always changes. FACE IT.
The new ones come and the old ones are just forgotten benji.
Love yourself more.

Benji

| Stripped and Lusted 10:54 PM| |

__________

:Tuesday, July 11, 2006:

I was chilling around with Darius and he happened
to ask why people get hurt so often in a relationship.
ARGH. Of all topics we had to trample into that topic
again. Unfortunate for him, he knows that answer
to that question that he asked me himself. Somehow
we just tend to hurt the people that hold us to dear
close that we take them for granted.

They want us the most in their life but all we can give
them are nothing but false hopes leading to endless
pleads of I NEED YOU. Its simple actually. We just
don't know what we want. We're equally as confused
as to why some of us has to react differently to situations.
I know that its only a few that I can trust in my life
but well, things always take a turn someday right?
Rejecting others is always that difficult and its never
easy, THANKS EDISON for having to wake me up.

We just don't know how to appreaciate the kindness
that others have placed on us. Cause like all other human
beings out there, we don't know how to appreaciate simple
gestures of kindness served on a platter. We take small
things like these for granted all the time, and in the end
just to let someone get hurt. I've hurt many people that
came and left in my life. I dont know how much SORRY
I can say. I've got my equal share of hurt which got me
where I am now.

I just DON'T KNOW what I want now.
anyway, just visit this BLOG for I like the phrases.

Benji

| Stripped and Lusted 10:32 PM| |

__________

:Monday, July 10, 2006:

I happened to bump into one of my lost bro
at Whynot the other day and he was commenting
on how much I have changed. I look happier and
better. Is that right? I just laughed it off like
any other usual things that people will say.
Then the question poped out asking whether
I was attached. Aye. Thats better not to ask
and it will become a taboo topic soon I think.

I was damn happy that night. I seriously was.
Like being able to not think of the 101 thoughts
that was running through my mind. Cause and effect
keeps the mind pondering. And then the questions
started coming and people were asking me how
come I didn't ask them to club with me. There will
be other times that we can go clubbing in the future
and stop blaming yourselves for not asking me.
Cause, usually if I'm in a bad mood, I'll tend to
reject that offer.

And I want to say sorry to Julian which I ditched
at Happy.
SORRY =/
I MISSED YOU ALOT TOO OKAY. We will go clubbing
again real SOON.

Benji

| Stripped and Lusted 11:07 PM| |

__________

:Sunday, July 09, 2006:

CRAP I didn't drink enough. HAH. now I know how
much I have been missing since my disappearance
from Whynot. ARGH I need to club again really soon.
I finally found my space again yesterday night.
Having to let things out. I wanna dance the night
away. Its time to go back to whynot again. I'm
excited and of course happy. LALALA

Benji

| Stripped and Lusted 11:33 PM| |

__________

:Wednesday, July 05, 2006:

I was walking along town today and I bumped into MEL!
Aye, she's the usual cheerful girl that used to make me happy
although I'm down and stuffs. I wish that I was her sometimes.
She looks all happy everytime. Not having things to bother
about . Yet there are still so many things running through
my mind.

I need time. I need to be alone for awhile just to think things
out for myself. I can take care of myself already. I'm 18.
I don't need people fetching me to school or walking me back
after school. I'm okay, I really am. Ian's sharing her problems
with me. Well, at least I can do something to help her.

For once I put my stuffs aside just to listen to her. Things won't
be what they used to be anymore. It won't be the same. I feel
so used. Is it just me or am I seeking happiness at any cost?
There's a long list of people that I'm missing so badly now.
Jonathan D' Andrea Max BINGZHAO Matthew Ian Doreen
Lynn Jamie Roy Lin June Kenneth and the list just goes on.
I miss my chilling days.

SIGHS. Please let my troubled mind be cool. I want to be happy.
Nanny I miss you too. Oh, did I mention that saturday's shopping
day with Andrea? HAH. GUCCI here I come. And then clubbing's
in. Quick Quick or I'll kill myself already.

Benji

| Stripped and Lusted 11:29 PM| |

__________

:Tuesday, July 04, 2006:

I know that its difficult to keep seeing me this down
in blogging. But, its only a blog. I know that you people
care. But its myself that I have to settle. I'm trying to
be happy already. Its not for the sake for all your
concerns but its the sake for myself.

Don't say that you failed in making me happy because
its non of your business. Everything's always about me
and nothing about the failure. My friends always still
my peeps. As a said. I'm trying to be happy already.
My distractions and my sleep! GAWK I need to sleep.
And looking at the day, clubbing at whynot on sat!
yup. I need my chilling sessions again.

The late nights and the drinkings. The rantings and
the talks that last the whole night. Man, I miss them.
I miss my coven. Although there are people telling
me not to go back. We shall see what happens in the end.
The thought came back to me about going for choir again
on sunday. ARGH everything's messed up.
And I need mahjong. MAGJONG.

Benji

| Stripped and Lusted 11:47 PM| |

__________

:Monday, July 03, 2006:

I guess that what D' said all along was right. I wasn't
running away from my problems, I was running away
from myself. I don't have issues with my problems.
I have issues with myself. Its not that I don't want to
talk about my problems. I just haven't found the right
one. Yet I can tell him everything about me. I'm getting
paranoid easily. House shifting showed me alot. It showed
me alot of reason why I need to run away from home
and how much I actually don't need my parents in life.

My actions are becoming theirs. That's not me. I'm not
going to live their life. I'm going to live mine. It's not
about them, it's about me. I fear I will become them.
I can't wait to get out of the house. Everything in me
was those yesterday's feelings. Nothing today's on my
mind. I feel high enough to drown myself from everything
around me. I feel NUMB.

I need to find myself again. I need to know what I want.
I need to know that there is someone to be the right one.
Cause trust is an issue not to be talked with me. I don't
know who I can trust anymore. The closest hurts the most.
For all I have heard, I pretend to be deaf. But then again,
who am I trying to kid?

As the saying goes, we don't actually miss someone until
we lose someone.

I'll stay like those cut up angels.

Benji

| Stripped and Lusted 11:24 PM| |

__________

:Saturday, July 01, 2006:

I started off this morning with a loud BANG waking me
up from my dreams I have been having. Who am I going
to kid? Having a big wooha causing the involvement of so
many people just to realize that I was the cause of it. Oh,
and trust me, I know the things that has been going on
around me.

I ain't that naive after all. I can't lie to anyone. I just bring
hurt and harm to my partners and the people around me.
I guess I'm really jinx after all that has happened to me.
There's no point seeking the source of the cause or tracing
the spreader of the news. All that matters is that it has
reached my ears.

A big WOW to everything that people can say or do. And
for all the time that I have been doubting myself, the
problem solves itself.
Now, I don't this kinda thing everyday. I guess luck is
starting to shine on me. Although I lost my bet with germany.
But who knows? Brazil's next. 1-0 to Brazil. Any takers?

Benji

| Stripped and Lusted 11:55 PM| |

__________