:Monday, January 30, 2006:
The last things on my mind that i will have to pen down.
my eye lids are heavy and closing on me. shutting the lights
out from me, my mind screaming to take a break and a rest.
a friend called me, having being thrown into a situation
she couldnt handle. Even having the thought to cut one's self.
don't follow down in my footsteps. Its difficult having to void the feelings
of others when the others are trying to void your feelings for them.
its just the same as chasing a dream that will never come through.
after all, no one deserve's one's tears and who deserves them wont
make you cry. Having the faith to feel and stand up again.
Don't cry because its over, but smile because it happened.
i hate being ignored. thats just me. but its the people that are closest
to me that hurts me the most. The feeling of being void and having the thought
that you might be that irritant. Having second thoughts running through
my mind. I'm in no mood to celebrate the New Year. Now, the sentence
thats running through my mind is this:
You may only be a person in this world. But to that person, you're the world.
Benji
| Stripped and Lusted 12:26 AM|
|
__________
:Sunday, January 29, 2006:
leaving and forgeting.
these things easier said than done.
with the song by yellow card ringing in my mind,
and playing on my mp3.
i guess that i ain't
"The Boy Whom The World Couldn't Stop"
anymore, after all, you managed to stop me.
whats with the way someone can jump to conclusion
without looking at it in a second view.
after all, there are two sides to a coin. that, i have committed.
trusting someone too much to the cause that i got hurt?
and blaming somone that loves me so much but i don't.
like a honey to a flower, i am blinded.
but i guess that i have to set things down in pen now
to make things more permanent.
the horrid things that people can do.
the dishonest things that they have done.
and also expects to be forgiven.
everythings running through my mind now.
i feel so broken up
and i feel like giving up
but i just want to tell you so you know
i scream my lungs out and try to get to you
you are my only one
i let go, and there's no one that gets me like you do.
you are my only, my only.
made my mistakes, and let you down.
and i can't. i can't hold on for too long
Ran my whole life in the ground.
And i can't, i can't get up when you're gone.
so i guess after the song has been running in my head.
its time i'm letting it out.
to just accept whats mine.
and also whats not.
Benji
| Stripped and Lusted 8:06 AM|
|
__________
:Wednesday, January 25, 2006:
its surprising how people feel that their problems seem more important than others.
but actually after taking a step back, and looking at it with a different view,
they come to realize that its no big deal compared to others.
no doubt, me included. having the feelings of giving and taking.
the things a desperate soul could even say, the colors that a desperate soul
could even show. If i could fight this now, it would be a better world.
Having not to prioritize time correctly and coming to pick a fight with someone,
the stomach hungers and the anger rages on. having to say the things that one
don't mean, just in the fit of anger. But after its said, feelings, attitude, impression
changes drastically. we ain't in that stylo club anymore. Having it coming from
someone you else expected to say. But on the other hand, what more can I expect?
Here i am, screaming my lungs out just trying to get to you. things arn't as easily done as
when said. The dishonesty that you can see right through me. I know that you'll find
someone. Someone that really cares. But until the heart is opened and the mind is free,
then things can really start to move on. There's no such thing as the only one.
The fairytale that we all used to once lived in has turn out differently.
some into reality and others, into nightmares. I guess that what I have been doing
all these while is what I have been doing best.
Running.
running away from fears, feelings, reality.
the list goes on. Its because of these runnings
that i'll be sleeping in this creep alone tonight.
but it doesnt make any difference. having to a life to lead without a vision.
i guess that the once so clear view I had has been clouded by
the sins that i have committed.
Pride, Greed, Envy, Wrath, Lust, Gluttony and lastly Sloth.
But now, i can only do the things that i have to do.
Having to gather my courage back to face the tide.
after all, not everything can be written down on a pen and paper.
it ain't that easy after all. Having to use a pen would meant being
permanent.
Benji
| Stripped and Lusted 10:37 PM|
|
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:Monday, January 23, 2006:
everything's not as clear as they used to be anymore.
having to see the colors of people coming up slowly.
having to change the impression of them and having to think that you were
once to close to them. asking myself this question:
"wad? never take medicine ah"
its rediculous to let the same thinking of them come over one's mind.
why do people get so paraniod and suspecious with a single talk.
if there's nothing going on, there's nothing to be afraid of.
don't like me. i'm not worth you liking me. i guess i'll just go away.
the soul hurts as much as the body can feel
people only remember the small things that affect them
but not the rest that benefit them.
i dont know how long more my body can take.
having fallen down into a pit of insulents,
with needles percing with every move I make
the mind's tired, and the soul's restless.
soon, i'll be walking to that tree that i like so much.
just lying there next to it,
watching the sunset over the ocean.
not knowing whether there'll be another sunrise to see.
aint that hyper anymore.
after all, we're placed in a situation,
the amount of pain that i am suffering now
cannot be compared to yours.
because, i'm still considered lucky.
and i guess i'll pray for you tonight.
Benji
| Stripped and Lusted 11:37 PM|
|
__________
:Sunday, January 22, 2006:
i walk that same old path home everyday
with different thoughts running through my mind
usually, some of them will be of the same thing thats happening
and i ponder to myself whether its worth it.
i cant say things out nor even write them down.
everything has to be kept inside.
taking its toll on me and not releasing its emotions.
whats this that we are doing now
bluffing ourself of emotions and hurt
coming to a point in the future that it doesnt really matter anymore
having to believe that we're all childish at that time.
but to what extend are we going to be that childish?
and because of the things that we desire and want to achieve so badly
that makes us this way?
its not easy on the inside to bear all these alone
waiting for someone to walk me down this path
the person that i will love so much till everything will be given up.
sitting here typing at 8 in the morning before leaving for grams
yet the same road all the way there.
its time for a different though
but everything still has its links.
no one can be deprive of feelings.
including me no doubt
i just dont want to feel the hurt of life that much and rather
enjoy its nature.
till then
i guess its gonna take time
but now the question remains.
how much time do i really have left on my hands?
Benji
| Stripped and Lusted 7:57 AM|
|
__________
:Wednesday, January 18, 2006:
lying in my room staring blankly at the ceiling.
wondering what i have been doing all my life,
brooding over the past.
come on, we're all humans, we have feelings.
but its the things that hurt us one another so bad and
unbearable that makes us break down.
it makes us ponder and think again,
are we that strong like we used to think?
are we really that strong and upright?
i'm not. i'm still that kid that i used to be.
we all have to come to realize that we're just mearly
teenagers going through a change in society.
we listen to what we want to and chuck the rest away.
some of them are good advices given but we just take them for
granted.
its time that i start running again.
i'm not going to slow down just because i'm tired.
i hide the hurt of life, not knowing what it has done to me,
but i was asked whether it was worth it.
my answer will be,
i don't know.
i can't bring myself to want something anymore.
its not that its difficult.
but i'm afraid to even start.
so now i sit here,
with my song that keeps playing.
tonight i'll be sleeping to hope for a better tomorrow.
nothing is going to stop me.
after all,
excuses are lies put in good words.
therefore, no more explanations, no more excuses.
no more self pity and myself.
Benji
| Stripped and Lusted 1:38 PM|
|
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:Monday, January 16, 2006:
i'm in no mood to blog.
so its gonna be short.
here goes..
i'm tired of explaining myself.
believe me if you want.
don't believe me if you want.
i'm tired. my body's aching.
i don't need this now.
so if i can, i won't explain myself.
ask me if you want,
i'll tell you.
Benji
| Stripped and Lusted 11:01 PM|
|
__________
:Saturday, January 14, 2006:
the thought just came rushing into my mind
to blog my entry one day, in CHINESE!??
i don't know why it came. but it just DID!
moron..
so here i am waiting for my nails to dry
(yes, i decided to paint them black for no reason)
i'm suppose to be sleeping but the medicine doesn't work
on some incureable people like me i guess.
-sticks tongue-
coming back to the point on chinese.
i don't want half of Singapore who reads my so very famous
blog to go BLIND and blame me for it.
yes, and daddy's keeps telling to brush up my chinese,
so i took a toothbrush and started brushing my chinese 'shou ce' book.
see! now my 'han yu ping yin' also cannot make it
and this morning, i had someone correct my spelling!
thats WRONG OF ME.
arghh!
-strangle myself-
if i were to make english mix with chinese in my blog,
everyone will be having spasm and my blog will be filled with
verbal diarrhea everywhere.
so i decided to stick to just - ENGLISH-
OMG! someone just corrected and make fun of my english again!
zzz arghhhhhhh!
the next time,
i'll blog is gisberish..
Benji
| Stripped and Lusted 2:23 PM|
|
__________
:Friday, January 13, 2006:
up the bus i went,
staring at the cars pass me by,
surprised it wasn't wet anymore.
the sun's finally shining one me.
i fear no more and standing out where the ray's hit the ground.
for my past i placed behind me,
to be happy with that i have with me.
chrish whatever i have now.
not letting anything go.
let the rain in me go and here comes
the sun.
they can try but they can't
take that away from me.
certainly the lord will guide me
to anywhere i have to go.
i dont let anything put me down.
reflect on what i have and be glad,
for that, i'm still standing here,
with people that care so0 much to see me stand.
so here i am, standing for them.
therefore, no one IS to see a (him) in me.
Benji
| Stripped and Lusted 11:58 PM|
|
__________
:Wednesday, January 11, 2006:
enough of myself and self pity.
its time to stand strong.
wakening this night in the mist of the rain.
i thank god for everything i have so far.
its foolish to believe that i dont have anything.
well, the things that i have are just standing there,
infront of me, waiting for me to accept them,
its time i stop running so far infront,
slow down and see what i have with me.
i thank you for what you did,
although i was scared at first.
omg, no one has done that to me in a long time.
since nanny left.
and for what you did,
a prayer i will say,
to let this friendship carry thus far.
Benji
| Stripped and Lusted 9:59 PM|
|
__________
::
i'm letting myself get more out of hand. i'm tired, i really am, i'm on the verge of giving
up. but thus coming this far. is it worth it? efforts gone to waste, its something that will
hurt the most. i'm not all ready to give up.
i can't. i have to stand back up. facing the obstacles that come to me in waves. i won't let
hearsay put me now. i believe i'm stronger than that. i try so hard not to think, but it feels
my mind so fast the rate bacteria grows. i can't sleep properly these days. covered with the blanket and staring aimlessly again.
when will it all end? i tossed in bed. all i can help to
keep myself from breaking, is to constantly remind myself of who i am, and telling myself
not to give up.
friends are everywhere. but who you want to take with you, to walk this journey of life,
is soulfully up to you. i'm in the mist of choosing mine. i know who i want to take. but
whether they want to walk this with me, it also up to them. nothing can go pass between
the bond so strong that links all of us together. which side are you on, you choose.
i have come to live a life of hate, guilt and regrets. i want to change that. its not going to
be easy, but i don't have a choice if i want to change it. all i can do is to keep pushing
myself in all directions. i dont want to go back down that hole again. i have come to realised
the ugly masks people wear. it's time i took mine off, and paint it the way i want to. it's
finally time to come clean. to change so much that people will want and recongise that
change in you. it's not easy, especially for me. being the black sheep of the family everyone knows.
having just to ask for forgiveness, it's so difficult just to ask. after doing so many
things to show that i have changed. is it all worth it? or just stay the same way that i
used to be.
i'm confused. but i have people to keep pushing me, reminding me not to be put down.
i'm weak. it just makes me want to give up so bad, but having to go back to my oldself
is not what will hurt me. what hurts me is to see my friends getting disappointed over
my failure. therefore for them, i will carry on. bearing this cross. and i thank the people
that followed be through. no one will know whats the feeling of being able to live again.
i want to feel that, but i cant.
will someone slap in the face and wake me up?
Benji
| Stripped and Lusted 7:01 PM|
|
__________
:Tuesday, January 10, 2006:
at the rate that i'm going, i'm going to kill myself faster.
having to sit alone at home now, with no one to turn to
looking at the four walls of my room. nanny's gone. when will it be me?
i've been lie by my family half my life. when is it gonna end.
i'm living in my regrets my life. still sitting in the same chair, in the same room
pondering who i really am. my soul isn't searching. it's lost.
we walk out of the same door everyday, putting on a mask, covering all the
ugliness inside. all our life, the mask has been there. who are we? we don't change.
the mask changes us. having to put a good front. characters can been seen. sometimes
through the mask. it doesnt matter what the mask says or how it looks. everything comes
from inside.
its filled with the past, the present and maybe the future. but its because of this mask,
that forces and tempts the weak to change, to cause hurt and to become a part of them.
it blinds us so badly now that we don't know who we are anymore. we have come to lost
what we have been hoping and working for. this mask we wear, follows us till we die. it explains
your life.
then i come to ponder. whats mine? who i really am. we're all lost. lost in greed, lust and blinded
by the sinnest most evil. some people get out to find what they want. now, i'm trying so hard to get out. banging all four walls to be able to find a way. removing this mask, having to be able to
smile again. but is it all worth that we waste so much time finding who we are? or just live the life that we are expected to live?
to this, i pray tonight. i pray for everyone out there still coming out.
now that they sun's down, and the weather's cold and rainy, desperation sets in,
freedom's gone. thats how everything starts to get blur, and finally blinding everything.
Benji
| Stripped and Lusted 1:57 PM|
|
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:Monday, January 09, 2006:
i'm kept in the dark. there's nothing else that i can do.
but to be there, asking whether everything's okay.
lifes just like that. staring aimlessly into the night not knowing
whats out there. seeing people walk by.
the nights are getting cold.
i hide under the covered blanket.
everything's dark, dull and blur.
there are times that i wished for nanny most.
but i know that i cant get her back.
its my fault that everything happened.
i want nanny back. anything to bring her back
to be able to share my problems.
but now, i sit alone, enduring all my guilt, pain and troubles.
thats life, having its ups and downs.
or shall life be focus more on its downs.
having to tell my friends
i know that you're concern.
but you becoming more concern makes me feel worst
this is my problems. not yours.
i'm okay. i am. i really am.
i'm happy where i am, i'm happy with who i have with me
and therefore, i thank god. but its not everytime that everything comes my way.
just look at my blog.
everything's been so sad and dull.
dont read it then.
but i have the urge for japanese food.
-hints-
i'm okay. i really am.
Benji
| Stripped and Lusted 9:47 AM|
|
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:Saturday, January 07, 2006:
caught 'the dark' today in town.
with doreen, lydia and hamtaro max.
well, 2 words for the show.
IT SUXS
i catch no ball lahh,
-regretts-
its not even scary.
thats the best part.
had dinner and well
everything is becoming more clear to me now
i'm not happy and its bothering.
the entries in your blogg,
its disheartening
it really is, having to sit there
and not being able to do anything.
state it, i'm useless.
i rather sit here and stare at you.
or the dark.
if you know what i mean
Benji
| Stripped and Lusted 10:40 PM|
|
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:Friday, January 06, 2006:
i didnt accompany you on the bus today,
you must have slpt.
after yesterday night i slpt late.
2.30 in the morning,
thinking.
-ponders-
i feel bad.
ayyee
woke up when you msged me,
rushed to st gabs.
everyone said that i changed,
i look different
that i've grown and all,
then i was thinking,
wait, i cant grow anymore!
if not someone is gonna have a hard time catching up
and this rich auntie came up to me and said
'she hasnt seen me for a long time and i look cute in my hairstyle'
lol..why auntie?
come adopt me.
bleh -.-
everyone's still the same in sch,
parents everywhere.
was busy at school,
came home latee.
but you're not online yet.
-.-
you got back late from school all tired and all,
go sleep super hamtaro man.
meeting cha tmr..
gonna sleep early yea,
everyone's have their problems,
i have mine.
therefore, all of us are more alike now
Benji
| Stripped and Lusted 11:59 PM|
|
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:Thursday, January 05, 2006:
we woke up the same time this morning,
i missed my bus like 3 times.
damn it was pack.
uniform students..
-sticks tongue-
just like you..
lol
you were late, and so was i for classes.
ahhhhhhh
well at least i was not bored while waiting.
smALL MAX..
blah..
today's a bad day
not that i woke up on the wrong side of the bed but
i'm tired
i'm skipping school tmr,
but you still have school.
orientation suxs. :p
-yawns-
pigg
Benji
| Stripped and Lusted 2:02 PM|
|
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:Wednesday, January 04, 2006:
my thoughts were sparked yesterday night.
the words that you said.
making me coming to realise how much everything means.
if there's a choice where i have to choose,
i'll tell you.
i choose you.
hey, thanks man.
the whole jap buffet thing..its on!
we'll eat the whole day larr..
then move on to ice-cream..
lol...
not that everything's screwed up.
bounce bounce..
bleh..
friendster's laggy..
i cant get my testimonals out!
arghhh..
something's wrong with it.
friendster problem.
bleh
Benji
| Stripped and Lusted 10:58 AM|
|
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:Tuesday, January 03, 2006:
school's started and so everything has began again.
the people work, the students study, the mother's gossip
the baby's at childcare etc.
here i am, sitting in class.
looking around where the life of the class used to be.
its still there. but, apparently things did happen during the holidays.
the boys broke up with their girls
and the girl's broke up with their boys.
when is this going to end.
or is it a never ending road that leads to nothing more than sadness.
having to come back to school means that memories that once happened
here in school has been remembered.
looking at the light above me,
when will the light in me be shone.
i'm here, sitting and waiting.
i know that i've made my mistakes
everyone's made mistakes.
but few boys own up to what they have done.
i'm still that boy that i used to be.
nothing's changed. or so i hoped.
i still have to be that kid in me.
which makes me happy though in sad times.
i wanna come to ponder on what i have done in the past
the childish things that i have done and
being able to laugh at.
i wanna still be the kid thats me.
after all, its what makes the me,
Me.
Benji
| Stripped and Lusted 11:00 AM|
|
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:Sunday, January 01, 2006:
one thing to do for the new year to all my readers
out there is too0...
well continue reading~
a new year's here and i have to say that partying
at the new year's
countdown with so many people at sentosa
or mount faber is not a good thing.
who the fcuk want's to squeeze with so0 many people
(not to mention those with BO)
and well, the contruction workers that
just want to get lucky?
bleh
the year 2005 has passed fast.
have to agree that time flies really fast already,
now that i aint in sec sch,
not having to face OMs and my sch uniform everyday.
and having to done teaching st gab's during my
1st 3 months of 2005.
then having to move on to poly sem1,
korea for hols,
sem2 started and then bangkok in decemeber
and then now.
here, in the new year.
looking back at what i have done and
everything that has happened.
letting the unnecessary things pass and be forgotton,
keeping whats important to me and fcuk the hell
move on benji!~
lets just hope that 2006 will be a better year than the previous
aint putting much hopes to hang on to now.
lying low
Benji
| Stripped and Lusted 10:56 PM|
|
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