:Sunday, April 30, 2006:

The days go unanswered. The cell keeps as
silent as never before and calls go blank with
each missed. Replies not received and not
bothered. And today I felt worst. Talking
to you again didn't help. I was wrong. I fell
deeper into my black hole. I was broken at
what you told me. Yet, why didn't I feel
like crying at that time?

Why did I felt more anger and hatred rather
than the emotional cry baby I used to be?
I felt used. I hid my feelings from you when
you were down. I acted strong infront knowing
i'm crack anytime soon. All you had was
relationship but I had family and a past.

I felt betrayed. I felt used. I'm that little in
your eyes. Now when I cry, no one will see me
no one will know me. You chose me to be the
you let go and I have no say in it. I'm that
small, I'm that little, I'm that meaningless.
Apparently, I ain't that something on you.
All I am is just a friend.

You chose to let me cry in my solace.
You chose to let me die in in my pain.
You chose to let me fill the dryness in
my eyes with tears. I am therefore, not
the one with you. With pressure from my
family and with this from you, I'm afraid
I will soon take no more. No more till I
am free to see whats above the clouds.

I'm trying to forget you. So let me.
My soul isn't strong enough. Yet, I
can't voice it out to you. Therefore, all
I can do is to stare into the night sky
and tear.
For baby, I mean that little. I mean that
small. My hurt and anger has gone beyond
cure from you. You're different already.
You recover too fast for me to catch up.
Your mood changes like the stock market.

People don't know how to appreciate
kindness served on a platter. You take me
for granted. You therefore, belong to the
begones. Die you outcast.

Benji

| Stripped and Lusted 11:49 PM| |

__________

:Thursday, April 27, 2006:

Things go unchanged. The way things were
18 years ago and the way things are now
are still similar in my sense.
I'm tired. I'm confused. I'm losing myself.
You poured everything inside you to me.
Making me pity every single bit of you.
But seems days later, you're carrying on
with life at the top of the clouds.

I mean that little in life. I really
mean that little. You asked for my trust.
Yet questioned it. What do you want of me.
You asked me what i'll do to help you,
just to cheer you up. I told you what i'll
do. And I did it. I gave my days. I gave
my time. I gave myself.
And now, I feel stupid. I feel used. I feel
dejected. Why? Its just caused of the every
single bit of you that made me up.

And now, since you're okay. I'm making
myself disappear. Away from you. Away from
everything that makes me think of you.
I stay alone forever to wait for the right
time. What are you waiting for. You don't
need me. You need me to pour your feelings
out. You need me to spend time with. You
need me to go out with you because you have
no one. You need me cause i'm just me.

But once you don't need me. I'm gone.
I'm not strong enough to avoid you now.
But it takes time. I'm hurt, and I still am over
my past. Thanks for making it a whole lot
easier. Oh, I guess I won't be having my birthday
this year. Just make a pass for me. My best
present would be sitting by the esplanade
without you, not thinking of you and hiding
in my solace. Afterall, I'm nothing. I lay
back into my silent bed. I cry my balls out.
Just because of you.

Benji

| Stripped and Lusted 10:57 PM| |

__________

:Wednesday, April 26, 2006:

| Stripped and Lusted 5:35 PM| |

__________

::

I feel used. Used like those lousy pieces
of paper. People come to me when they
need me. I guess, I shouldn't be the me
anymore. I'm starting to withdraw.
Communication is breaking down. I hate
you. I hate you. Cause I feel used.
Why? cause I don't speak parento or
whatever langauge there is.
I'm just that one in a billion.
I hate you, I hate you Cause I feel
Used.

Benji

| Stripped and Lusted 12:27 PM| |

__________

:Tuesday, April 25, 2006:

I'm afraid in everything that is happening
around me. Why friends are telling me that
things will get better when they don't. Why
friends listen but keep quiet about it. Why I
will never talk to my parents very again about
my problems. Cause the reason that I always
get from them is just about maturity.
Am I not matured? Communication has
long passed its time of expiry.

I feel the hurt that has been haunting in
me all these while. Its growing and its taking
over soon. The weakness of my soul and body
has lost. I cannot bear to see you in someone
elses embrace. Yet my mind runs a race when
you're not getting back to me.

I'm tired. I'm exhausted. Just tell me its
all over so I can die in peace. I have you
yet I don't have you. I'm lost in everything that
we did. Someone stab me so hard to numb
myself from all these trouble. I'm tired of
plastic lies. I've accepted enough reasons.
Yet I'm still afraid. What if. What if?
Tell me everything is going to be fine.
Wrong. That doesn't work anymore. It hasn't
been fine for a long time.

Again, I'm sitting alone in this dark room in my
corner on my chair, waiting for just that one
to set me
Free.

Benji

| Stripped and Lusted 9:05 PM| |

__________

:Monday, April 24, 2006:

Tonight i'll say a prayer,
Cause my heart is crying for you.

Benji

| Stripped and Lusted 11:57 PM| |

__________

:Sunday, April 23, 2006:

MIRRORMASK. the mask that
people wear to hide themselves. We are weak
and prone to setbacks and stuffs that prevent
us from moving on. The world is complicated.
Ever wondered why? It's caused by billion's of
people living in that world. People think that
their lives are complicated. Which inturn causes
the world to BE complicated.

I won't be taking off my mask. I won't reveal
my feelings of hurt and anger. It ain't me and
therefore, keeping things to myself would be
the best choice.
A new arrival marks the start of a departure.
But thanks to friends like these, at least I know
that there's a something in my life worth living
for. Somehow, they're more important that
family.
I'm glad I still have friends like them.





I'm not strong. I'm not like the social babes.
I'm not who I am on the outside. People, you know.

Benji

| Stripped and Lusted 11:55 PM| |

__________

:Thursday, April 20, 2006:

Ever realized in a part of your life
that we are as strong as we used
to think we are? We subdue ourselves
to pain and hurt cause of the undefine
word called Love. Ever wondered why
we are willing to put ourselves through
such hell just to let our mind's
run wild just to get depressed? Of to
get easily contented by hearing the
voice of the other party.

I've been talking to a friend about the
mask we all wear. Either to protect
ourselves or to hide and conseal what is
behind it. The truth is sometimes, never
a pleasant thing. Just taking for example.
I may not be seen as who I am, But for what
I am. I may look like gold on the outside,
but inside, i'm merely bronze.

We hide ourselves. Everyone wears a
different mask. A mask to protect whats
on the inside. Afraid that secrets will be
revealed after the mask is removed.
Its the same for me. When will I come out
of this mask, having the courage to remove
it, facing whats infront of me. I guess, its
not so soon. Everything around the world
is so complex and complicated that its
coking me slowly.

your words pierced my heart like needles
falling from the heaven's like rain and the
wind cuts my skin like silver swords flying
through the air.

Benji

| Stripped and Lusted 10:57 PM| |

__________

:Wednesday, April 19, 2006:

Relationships. I ain't taking about love.
But more of what links animal to man.
The relations that brought and compared
the two species of beast. Why dogs are
man's best friends? Its difficult to
pressume that it all falls in the circle
of life or stuffs like that.

But they have something they want to
cherish. Its not a typical:
dog meets man. dog likes man.
therefore, man likes dog too.
Its not that simple. In fact, a complicated
one. The things that both dog and man
have to sacarifice to gain that bond
and trust they have for each other.
The thing to make them cherish and
want to love to hold on to.

I have learnt something today. The
meaning of cherishing what you want
that makes my heart whole. I know who
I am and where I stand. I know that I
have people that cherish me as much
as I do for them. I won't let go so easily.

Having to brave that winter storm just
for togetherness. That moment of pain
that I have to go through. But well, at least
I know what I want and thats what I want
to cherish for now.
So as I say. I have somethings in life I really
want to hold on to and cherish them.

Do you?

Benji

| Stripped and Lusted 11:52 PM| |

__________

:Tuesday, April 18, 2006:

2 sides to a coin, 2 sides to a person.
As most of my readers already know,
the mask has repeated itself many times
on my entries and I still have to stress
the significant factors of the mask.

Appearing okay on the outside doesn't
mean its okay on the inside. Having to
feel that everything is fine and making
my life feel so nice on the outside, doesn't
make it okay on the inside. Once again,
here comes to mask. Having to cover
whats on the inside, hiding every
single pain you have on the inside, not
potraiting it to anyone.

So now I say, a troubled kid remains
a troubled kid. Nothing is going to change
that. I cannot forget the thinks that has
happened and well, don't expect me to act
as though nothing happened. Don't pity me.
I hate pities. Love me for who I am and not
of what I am. Acceptance is something most
people don't get.

People don't know how to accept kindness
served on a platter. Its also funny how people
call you gullible when you believe and paranoid
when you don't - thanks to my bud max for
making me understand.
But then again, looking up into the sky.
Its a different place we're at but its the same
sky we're looking at.
Again, I've walked the same grounds but just
a different path from the rest.

Coming to accept the things that others cannot
accept. Its weird too, that sometimes,
you happened to be so important in my life,
but as time passes, you just become

not important.

benji

| Stripped and Lusted 9:54 PM| |

__________

:Monday, April 17, 2006:

I hate you I hate you I hate you.
For doing what you did to me.

The End

Benji

| Stripped and Lusted 2:13 PM| |

__________

:Sunday, April 16, 2006:

I was away during the weekends and
well, strange things happened. I guess
it was the alcohol from my margarita.
Having gone drinking for the past 3 days.
just enough to get things off my mind.
But aye, I had a weird dream.

I dreamt that a close friend of mine that
died. He died infront of me, in my arms.
There was nothing that I could do.

He was someone that I looked into the
future with. Just with those dying eyes,
his soul left, without saying a goodbye.

All he said was,
"you cannot love a dying boy, I did
nothing for you to deserve this much
for you".

As he caress my cheeks for the last time,
his last breath took him to somewhere
we will never meet again. And yes,
I cried.
Sometimes, I wished things never happened.
I wished that you and I didn't know the
things that we were supposed to know.

Whats there left of me once you're gone?
can I imagine myself seeing you in someone
else's embrace? pardon me for the emotions
but then again, double margaritas are just
the best solutions.

enjoying the night breeze at the lounge with
hoarse cum tone-deaf singers screaming
at the top of their voice trying to reach the
notes we know they can't reach.

I looked up into the sky realizing only one thing,
we're at different places but its the same
sky that we're looking at. Its the same
path we walked from the rest and its the
same beat of 2 separate hearts that could
make that difference.

I don't want to lose anyone anymore.
Begone dreams.

Benji

| Stripped and Lusted 1:38 PM| |

__________

:Thursday, April 13, 2006:

Entitled: At Night

At Night
At night I lay and think of you hoping
my wishes can dreams come true.
At night I wonder can this be the end,
is this all that's left?
At night I wish we could go to the things
we were.
At night I lay and cry about the things
that happened and how it all ended.
At night I lay and think of us. I mean
you and I.
At night I realized that there's no more us.
At night I dream of us together again.
At night I wish for us to be together again.
But in the morning, I realized it was all
At Night.

Goodbye Benjiboy.

Benji

| Stripped and Lusted 12:06 AM| |

__________

:Tuesday, April 11, 2006:

For just this little Something.

yesteday night, a prophet came
and told me my life story

And so it came to be
this isolation that i am
I can only look to me
to find the way it all began-
this confusion, constant
hunger for something more than this
I strive to find this being
that I envision, yet seem to miss
Could it be that i am empty-
or maybe a little lost?
Could it be that i am lonely,
or seeking happiness at any cost?
This never ending something
that i am living deep inside,
depicts the illusion of myself
and all I have to hide.

And yet, No one is happy all of the time
but some people feel that they can never
find happiness. Some people feel that their
life has been fully devoted to pain, hurt and
loneliness. Everyday is a struggle.
And every breath is a fight for survivial.
These are the people that have and understand
the meaning of depression.

And finally,
I look up as tears flow
down my cheek as i dream
of better days
and i wonder if i feel that way
again. you look at me with that
eyes i know so well. always
protective and serious,
as though you're always in control.
But not today and not now,
Now we're different. You look
scared like for once you don't
have the answer. I looked at you.
Hoping you know the answer.
Hoping to understand why you
said those things you did.
I pondered for a moment,
hoping this is all a dream.
If i shall wake up in the morning
and be relieved,
you look at me with a confusion i have
never seen.
you pull me closer and
wipe my tears away.

Benji


| Stripped and Lusted 11:42 AM| |

__________

:Monday, April 10, 2006:

i realized how much people mean to me. the ones
that make an impression and the ones that leaves
an impression. The ones that i want to be with and
the ones that i dont need to have around. i'm going
to start getting fussy at picking friends now.

But somehow, at the back of my mind, i still want
to lie in your arms to feel the warmth that i used
to feel. The way we talked and spent our time. But
now, i guess that i have someone else on my mind.
The ringing thought of running away from
everything to make myself happy again.

I have lost a cousin. A member of my life which
i will not be seeing anymore. I wish that the rest in
me which i treasure wont be leaving my side.
Not anymore. The past has been a rather rough road
but, i dont regret it. As i said, I walk the same earth,
but just a different path. Stop living a life of a lie.
its time to wake up to face whats coming for you.

Benji

| Stripped and Lusted 10:24 PM| |

__________

:Sunday, April 09, 2006:

The things people can say and do just to save their
precious ass over a small matter of jealousy.
The story twisters with the addition of tongue
biters and backstabbers created a huge wave of
nuclear warheads exploding infront of my greeters
and I. Just dont come barking up the wrong tree.
If I were to know the MCP that got jealous over
Gideon's sales. Grow up eye soring pig whoring
immature penis dangling son of a bitch.

ayE, okay, i'll stop talking bad for the benefit
of not insulting my readers. >.< but well, somethings
have to be gotten off my chest after all. And yes,
adding on to edi's blog about the langauge that i speak!
i speak both alish and parento okay! >.< haha..
i'm a pro. geberish is out of my reach already. so its
time to upgrade!

well, school's gonna open and i have finished my essay!
woots. Thanks to the 1/4 i've done when i was out
trying to work on that. =) having to watch an ultrasucky
ultraboring ultraloser ultraviolet. wahaha..its ultra-
everything. >.< gawkkk, and i have craving for maggie
mee now. =) thanks to someone's whose working now.
the blardy night shift while i spend my time sleeeepping.
ayE. I want to talk to you lahh. -grahh-
as school's opening soon and therefore i'm giving up AO
at esp already but contining at PRG. wells,
the people at PRG is better =) hello greeters.

eh, i'm still waiting for my call okay. -sticks tongue-
but, i wanna go eat. supper's damn healthy for me.

Benji

| Stripped and Lusted 11:53 PM| |

__________

:Saturday, April 08, 2006:

Jealousy, a word that belongs to the 7 deadly
sins which preys on humans the most. Why do
people fall for it's trap so fast which indirectly
insults their integrity and stinks them twice
faster dowb into the ground.

The things that people can say and do just
because of the word and the feeling of jealousy.
Be it in work, life or relationships. Its related.
Believe it. The people that will be able to do
things like that. Friend, enemy or foe?
I'm confused. someone enlighten me.

Its the people that you think its closest to you
that will hurt you the most. then, coming to think
of it, we're still taking the risk to keep someone
close to our hearts. the mind runs wild with the
simplest sentence or words used to describe.
But why. I'm tired. and things have not been going
my way. It has not been since holidays started.

Be it family, etc. when will this end. I feel an ache in
me. A pain that's silent. With kills quietly without
leaving a trace. Call me gulible or paraniod. i'm feeling
down today. aye.

Benji

| Stripped and Lusted 10:38 PM| |

__________

:Friday, April 07, 2006:

who in the hell said that ultraviolet was nice?
>.< like wth. I had to walk out of the cinema
yawning with my big mouth open. -.-lll
oxymoron. to think that ultraviolet was actually
nice. ultraviolet...sighs.. wth are you doing sia..
all those bullet time movement and stuffs.
matrix copier..like practically photocopied off
the matrix.

and whats with the bloodless movie? all the bullet
shooting and no blood? eh, who said that humans
in the future doesnt have blood in them? and
the difference in HIV and HGV? lame.
after all the bullet time ballet dancing movements.
-.- i was bored in the show.
so here I have to comment to violet and her directors.

like what the hell do you think you are doing?
remember violet said that no one will understand
her story of vengence and stuffs like that? i think that
you really proved your point and stuffs. I walked out
of the cinema not understanding anything about the
darn show. Yes, and its my fault that i wanted to watch
that show wokays? -.-ll

the purpose of the show its like only the gadgets and
technology is it. to me, thats only the nice part of the
show.other than that. erm..the bullets and swords.
are okay lah. i rather stay at home or I should have
watched the hills have eyes or reincarnation or something.
at least that will freak me out. and of course. edi.
rofl >.<
scared scared..
and today, i'm happy

Benji

| Stripped and Lusted 10:06 AM| |

__________

:Wednesday, April 05, 2006:

Its been long since I wrote something
about myself after all the rantings that has
been happening in my blogg and in my life.
The past which I dont want to bring up and
the future which I dare not comment on yet.
But anyways, here goes.

- I dont like fish. yes, even seafood
- I dont like peeling prawns.
- What I say, usually, I'll do.
- Blogging for me is essential.
- I have to come online everyday.
- I dont like people not replying my msges.
(be it msn or sms)
- I dont mind waiting. But not for that long.
- I like the color green and black.
- I do paint my nails black.
- I DoNt LikE PeOplE wH0 TyPe LiKE tHiS lAhH
- I dont really like milk and cheesy stuffs.
- I love choco banana cakes >.<
- I rather have the causal look then the jeans one.
- I wanna rock climb. - I do play the piano.
- When I like you. I really like you.
- When I dont like you, I ignore you.
- I love giving excuses.
- I'm spoilt.
- I repeat, I dont like people who doesnt reply my msges. >.<
- And I dont like aunties.

-whines-

so here I sit, infront of my lappy, blogging
things about me down. While I wait for a reply
on my cell, checking it every now and then till
I fall to sleep. Hoping that the very next morning,
I get to smile. AyE. Am I easily contented? or
just fickle-minded. But then, I think that the
gap still remains, in everyone of us.

Benji

| Stripped and Lusted 9:37 PM| |

__________

:Tuesday, April 04, 2006:

as the past comes running back.
I sink lower into that hole that i came
out from. With no one by me, everything's
so cold. its me again.
but then, will you remember me?
i guess its time for me to withdraw myself
from everything that this world can
give to someone like me.

Benji

| Stripped and Lusted 10:32 PM| |

__________

:Monday, April 03, 2006:

yet another day has gone pass me.
a day of rest with nothing but an excuse
to cover it up. Ever wonder why days
like today to me seem to pass so damn
fast. And as i wish and urge for more
days to take leave, i ponder to myself
why the hell am i working for. everything's
becoming to interesting already. school to
start, routines to repeat.

getting to feel sick of it. yet what about the
people who have been doing it for the past
10 to 20 years of their lives?
a talk about the past today makes one
realized that the gaps still remain. No matter
how far we may go, how deep we may fall,
the past of us will always be that past of us.
Those who refuse to accept it are just living
a life of a lie. Its time that i smack myself
awake, to face whats coming ahead of me.

but then again, there's so many people,
sometimes my future looks so bleak. that
i feel lost. back to where i was again years ago.
going around in the same circles waiting for
someone to pull me up. Today is just a day.
what comes tomorrow or the day after, no
one knows. Death may linger around the ones
we love the most and soon, we might be gone.
But then, its time for me to start believing my
fate and doubt my faith.

for i do not know which will help me much.
dont forget that a benji actually walked this
earth. just a different path from the majority.

Benji

| Stripped and Lusted 10:57 PM| |

__________

:Sunday, April 02, 2006:

aYe! not that act cute one!
okay, i was wrong >.<

-----------------MAY-----------------
Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and
highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered.
Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings.
Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint.
Needs no motivation. Shy towards oppisite sex.
Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to
dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding.
Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good
imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves
literature and the arts. Loves traveling. Dislike
being at home. Restless. Not having many children.
Hardworking. High spirited.

Benji

| Stripped and Lusted 10:05 PM| |

__________