:Wednesday, January 11, 2006:

i'm letting myself get more out of hand. i'm tired, i really am, i'm on the verge of giving
up. but thus coming this far. is it worth it? efforts gone to waste, its something that will
hurt the most. i'm not all ready to give up.

i can't. i have to stand back up. facing the obstacles that come to me in waves. i won't let
hearsay put me now. i believe i'm stronger than that. i try so hard not to think, but it feels
my mind so fast the rate bacteria grows. i can't sleep properly these days. covered with the blanket and staring aimlessly again.
when will it all end? i tossed in bed. all i can help to
keep myself from breaking, is to constantly remind myself of who i am, and telling myself
not to give up.

friends are everywhere. but who you want to take with you, to walk this journey of life,
is soulfully up to you. i'm in the mist of choosing mine. i know who i want to take. but
whether they want to walk this with me, it also up to them. nothing can go pass between
the bond so strong that links all of us together. which side are you on, you choose.

i have come to live a life of hate, guilt and regrets. i want to change that. its not going to
be easy, but i don't have a choice if i want to change it. all i can do is to keep pushing
myself in all directions. i dont want to go back down that hole again. i have come to realised
the ugly masks people wear. it's time i took mine off, and paint it the way i want to. it's
finally time to come clean. to change so much that people will want and recongise that
change in you. it's not easy, especially for me. being the black sheep of the family everyone knows.
having just to ask for forgiveness, it's so difficult just to ask. after doing so many
things to show that i have changed. is it all worth it? or just stay the same way that i
used to be.

i'm confused. but i have people to keep pushing me, reminding me not to be put down.
i'm weak. it just makes me want to give up so bad, but having to go back to my oldself
is not what will hurt me. what hurts me is to see my friends getting disappointed over
my failure. therefore for them, i will carry on. bearing this cross. and i thank the people
that followed be through. no one will know whats the feeling of being able to live again.
i want to feel that, but i cant.

will someone slap in the face and wake me up?

Benji

| Stripped and Lusted 7:01 PM| |

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