:Thursday, April 28, 2005:
i"m troubled and my life is turning for the worst.
many things happened today actually..and i dunno whether i shd share it with u guys on blogger...its rather personal and i need to be alone..but on the other, i cant tok to anyone except to blog it online..there are so many things gng on in my life now and i'm confused..very..very...mayb conselling will not help now but mayb it did in the past..have i said that there are so many things that are happening in my life and to me now?
it suxs..to be me...i juz hope that i will not show it out to obviously infront of every in class..i'm feeling that it will be different.. you can say that in class i'm a laughter and damn full of shit in joking and fun etc etc, not trying to sell myself here but am i a 'people' person? its difficult trying to explain and express myself... somehow or rather i feel different and if i will to express it in class or openly, i'm afraid that people will see a far greater difference in me and i may not want that to happen..i prefer people to see the better side of me then the not so nice side of me..i cant afford to go back there again...not that spot again...its like gng back into witchcraft..i dunn think that i'm ready or will ever be..there is too much pain and i dunn think i wanna go back to the past...
its not possible for me..i cant afford it... i juz feel so used..in class..i feel reli used..each day when i'm on my way home, besides thinking abt wat are things that happened in the day, i also looked back on relationships..with my palz, peeps, etc...am i happy? wat the shit or how the shit do i feel..wat happened today? its difficult to do things when one's down...its like the mothership is down and the rest of the babies are wondering aimlessly no where and may juz drop dead anytime..
as i said, u may not understand wat i;m toking abt becoz i do not know how to express myself now..i'm not talking any calls, nor replying any msgs frm poly or my X-students in stgabs. i have to be alone..juz leave me alone and mayb i can feel better and think things thru..juz leave me alone...mayb thats all i can ask for...
its like its always me..everything is always me...it pri sch, to sec sch and now poly..y do i have to be the one that is being 'toyed' and picked...done with the special treatments and things have to stop..i hate it..i juz wanna be normal like everyone else..is that to difficult to ask?
i hate it when this happens...it will affect everything in me...everything juz comes to a stop..laterally everything...
now, i gtg...bb..tc peeps..
i have to be alone...quietly.
benji.~
| Stripped and Lusted 12:30 PM|
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